Skip to main content

The art of modern video game war in 15 easy steps

It is imperative you never call SHOTGUN when you see transport, son - especially if you’ve been stationed in World WAR Two or are invading the Helghan homeworld! Sitting in the front only gives you a free, one-way ticket to the battlefield in the sky. Remember at school, Private: the cool kids always sat at the back of the bus.

7. We like to call it a share package

That medic over there is dropping a health kit? That’s yours, son. He might be dropping it for somebody else, but that’s only because he hasn’t seen YOU! Your buddy has just called down a care package with an AC-130 inside? He definitely wants you to open it. What am I trying to say? War is TOUGH, private: do what it takes to survive! You ain’t here to make friends - your job is to make sure you don’t finish last on the team scoreboard.

8. Always follow the script

War is not an organic event, Cadet. It follows a very distinct set of rules. There are six tangos in that building over there, but they won’t appear until you’re fifteen meters away. Fact. And that really big open area over there looks pretty safe, doesn’t it? WRONG. Walk into it and you’ll trigger a fight against overwhelming odds. What are you waiting for - GET IN THERE! The WAR won’t continue until you do!

9. Make sure you get lucky

Private, I once fired a rocket from one side of Wake Island to the other and killed forty people. I’m a professional. You want to be a professional too? Of course you do! That means practice, practice, prac-KILL. You need to play entire rounds where you only use the throwing knife, or refuse to use the scope on your sniper rifle. It’s the ONLY way to play! When you finally get it right you’re going to look awesome on YubeTube, or whatever it is all the cadets go wild for.

10. Only you can run and gun

This one is important, Private. I’ve taught all the heroes this trick, and now I’ll teach you: you can fire your WEAPON whilst moving. You think that’s easy? I’ve had enough of your lip; I’m putting you on potato duty for a week! Answer me this: have you ever seen one of your ENEMIES move and shoot? I thought not.