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The art of modern video game war in 15 easy steps

Real WAR is all about three factions locked in honest and valiant gladiatorial combat: you, the enemy, and the other lot who are supposed to be on your side. You can’t trust any of them, Cadet: they’re either insane or stooges planted by the other team to undermine your true potential. Especially snipers, son. They’re a very special type of bonkers.

12. Pain is a state of mind

MEDIIIIIIIIIC! Look at me, Private. Stay sharp - that’s an order! It looks bad, I know, but you can get through this. Just don’t get shot again! That blood in your eyes, that’s fresh fighting spirit. Imagine your HAPPY PLACE. Let me tell you about the time my arms and legs got blown off by a grenade: I grew them back in seconds by thinking about how close I was to getting a ten kills in a row achievement. Hoo-hah!

13. War never changes

No matter what happens, there’s always another WAR to get to. If the fight isn’t going your way, QUIT. Your personal kill/death ratio is always far more important than winning, so protect it with your life. Winners make their own destiny, and a good soldier always leaves his men behind!

14. Is this a dagger which I see before me?

See that knife in your hand? That’s what transforms you from a mushy sack of flesh and organs into a godless killing machine. When I was young, melee weapons were useless comedy weapons for court jesters and Fatal1ty. These days they’re the second-most powerful tools in your magnificent arsenal. They’ll cut through anything in a single swipe AND they never run out of ammo.

15. Always follow by example

These are TEAM games, son. If the player at the top of the team scoreboard isn’t you, you have to ask yourself why. What’s he using that you’re not - is he a different class? If so, copy that load-out pronto. He understands the weakness of the enemy. Together, you’ll be twice as powerful and TWICE AS DEADLY. If four or five of you switch... why, I can’t even think that high, Cadet!

February 23, 2010

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