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May 2002
Feature:
I Was A Teenage Superhero
After the success of Smallville it’s only a matter of time before lazy hacks start climbing on the bandwagon… and we want to be the first! TV producers, get in touch! By Ian Berriman
THOR TEEN
The Pitch: Kevin the Teenager meets Conan the Barbarian.
Comedy drama in which the acne-infested 14 year old God of Thunder is forever in trouble for hanging around on street corners quaffing mead with Loki, the God of Mischief. In the pilot episode Thor has his enchanted hammer confiscated by a furious Odin after Heimdall finds him spray painting the Rainbow Bridge with cartoon penises.
Sample dialogue: “No, you can’t go to the battle with the Frost Giants of Jotunheim! Not until you’ve tidied your bedroom! Just because you’re the master of the storm and thunder and heir to the throne of Asgard doesn’t mean you’re not too big to go over my knee, young man!”.
Theme Tune: “If I Had a Hammer”.
WONDER GIRL
The Pitch: Blue Lagoon crossed with Baywatch and Beach Volleyball .
Life in the all-female idyll of Paradise Island is simple for young Diana: a pastel-coloured whirl of slumber parties and shopping for new lassoes at the mall. It’s an existence free of boy trouble… until test pilot Steve Trevor crashes on the island and introduces the scantily-clad Amazons to the joys of lurve. Soon Diana has a crush on the hunky young pilot. But love brings bitter pain, as he’s fallen for her mum, Queen Hippolyte. Can Diana ensnare Steve in her lasso of love? Will he introduce her to the steely grip of the bracelets of submission, awakening the pulsating fullness of her womanhood? Can he wipe away the memory of the day she accidentally killed six passers-by during a bullet-deflection contest?
GOTHAM
The Pitch: The world’s shittest vigilante.
After both his parents are fatally wounded in a drive-by shooting, 15 year old Bruce Wayne vows to fight crime, and transforms himself into a dark angel of vengeance. Each week he sets out to terrify the criminal fraternity into submission by daringly wearing eye-liner, a PVC vest and nipple rings and playing Nine Inch Nails at them a bit loudly. Each week he is mercilessly pistol-whipped into a pulp by laughing gang-bangers and has to skulk home to his black-painted mansion to find solace in pints of cider and black. His relationship with Alfred (Ozzy Osbourne) is tense since the English butler insists on neatly ironing his Marilyn Manson t-shirt and buying him garishly coloured tank tops.
HULK BOY
The Pitch: Council Estate tearaway with super powers.
Little David Banner is a mild-mannered nerd, until an experiment with the chemistry set he got for Christmas goes horribly wrong and he is transformed into Hulk Boy. His trail of carnage begins with smashing up the kitchen when his mum asks him to do the washing up and proceeds from throwing bangers and window smashing to ram-raiding until he has an anti-social behaviour order slapped on him banning him from the city centre and has his photo splashed over the cover of all the tabloids.
“But he’s such a lovely boy really!” exclaims his baffled mother.
Theme Tune: “Break Things” by Limp Bizkit.
