A condensed version of the first season by the Reduced SFX Company
OVERALL SYNOPSIS OF SHOW
An adaptation of the FIRST BOOK of GEORGE RR MARTIN’S A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE series, developed to divert our attention from the fact he’s never going to finish BOOK SIX and it’s all been A BIG WIND-UP . (Possibly.)
OPENING CREDITS
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ACT ONE
We meet NED SHARPE ... sorry, STARK , the head of a family who keep COMPLAINING about the fact that WINTER IS COMING .
NED SHARPE/STARK: It’s right nippy out. I think it’ll snow soon.
EVERYBODY: Gasp! Oh no! Woe is us!
NED SHARPE/STARK: Oh, right, yeah, I forgot. Winters are bad round these parts.
CATELYN STARK: We never have enough salt to grit the roads. It’s like living in Surrey.
NED SHARPE/STARK: Bloody government cutbacks! Never ’appened when I were a lad.
NED’S CHILDREN , who are either GRUMPY and/or TORTURED about being ILLEGITIMATE , find some BABY DIREWOLVES .
YOUNG BRAN STARK: I get my own pet wolf! Yay! He will be my soul mate and possibly save my life on many occasions.
JON SNOW: That he will, young Bran. As will mine. They’re like family now.
THE REST OF THE STARKS: What would you know about family? You’re illegitimate scum!
JON SNOW: [Weeps]
THE AUDIENCE: Wolves in a fantasy series? Such a cliché! Then again, it’ll probably only be a matter of time before some dragons show up.
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: Teehee!
The KING visits the STARKS and tells NED he is the new KING’S HAND .
NED SHARPE/STARK: I hope that’s not something rude.
THE KING: No, I have many, many whores to do that kind of thing for me. See?
THE KING has many, many WHORES . Also, he brought along his wife CERSEI LANNISTER and her TWIN BROTHER JAIME . They are BOFFING EACH OTHER , which is ICKY . YOUNG BRAN STARK sees them at it.
YOUNG BRAN STARK: That’s disgusting!
JAIME: Shut up, kid. What do you know about it? My sister is Sarah Connor and I have every right to boff her because she’s hot.
He pushes BRAN off a tower and he ends up paralysed. This is our first VERY SUBTLE , TEENY-TINY CLUE that the LANNISTERS are EVIL .
ACT TWO
There is a GIANT WALL which separates the nice people in the SOUTH from the SCARY OTHERS in the NORTH . This WALL is defended by the NIGHT’S WATCH .
JON SNOW: As the bastard son of Ned Stark I feel honour-bound to prove myself to both my father and my family, and so I will join the Night’s Watch and guard our land from invaders! That will make them love me, once and for all!
He arrives at the WALL , which is ICY , COLD , TERRIFYING , INHOSPITABLE and ruled by MEAN GUARDS . Also, he is not allowed to have SEX ever again. EVER .
JON SNOW: Hmm. Maybe I should’ve stayed at home and just offered everybody footrubs.
Meanwhile, in the EAST , the VERY YOUNG DAENERYS TARGARYEN is about to be WED to a BARBARIAN HORSE LORD .
DAENERYS: I am young and innocent and will do what my brother tells me because that is my purpose in life, even if it means marrying a barbarian despite being so young I should be playing with My Little Ponies.
THE AUDIENCE: Sexist much?
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: It’s a fantasy world and they play by different rules than we do. Try to see it from their side. This kind of thing is normal.
THE AUDIENCE: Is her shiny silver Nylon hair normal, too?
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: Er...
The HORSE LORD arrives.
KHAL DROGO: Grrrr! [Gibberish] Growl! [Flexes muscles]
DAENERYS: I will honour and love you, my new husband. I will also take make-up lessons from you because your eye-liner is noticeably better than mine.
KHAL DROGO: Grrrr! [Gibberish] Growl! [Flexes muscles]
DAENERYS: Oh, you want to have sex with my virgin self on a rocky clifftop without so much as a by-your-leave? Go on, then.
They HAVE SEX . She discovers there may be more than one reason he is a called a HORSE LORD . It wasn’t GOOD FOR HER .
THE AUDIENCE: Ugh, rape! This is horrible! What a brute!
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: It’s okay, she eventually falls in love with him and their love is epic.
THE AUDIENCE: I believe the phrase you’re looking for is “Stockholm Syndrome”. That poor girl!
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: But she’s stronger than she looks! Just wait!
THE AUDIENCE: Yeah, yeah, she’s probably an all-powerful Chosen One who can control dragons or something.
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: Teehee!
ACT THREE
We are introduced to the BEST CHARACTER IN THE SHOW .
TYRION LANNISTER: I may be small but I get all the good lines, have lots of sex and I’m very rich. Basically, I rock. It’s good to be me.
Unfortunately for TYRION , he is a SUSPECT in BRAN ’s accident and is CAPTURED by CATELYN , who takes him to her CRAZY SISTER .
CATELYN’S CRAZY SISTER: You want me to punish this man for the terrible accident that befell your son? Okay then. Kill him!
CATELYN STARK: I’m sorry, could you say that again? I was too busy trying not to stare at your son breastfeeding from you even though he’s almost old enough to drive a car.
TYRION LANNISTER: I am innocent! This is ridiculous! You’re all bloody bonkers!
CATELYN’S CRAZY SISTER: Perhaps you would like to fight for your life?
TYRION LANNISTER: Come again? Sorry, I got distracted by your son nibbling your nips.
TYRION wins his freedom and slowly EARNS CATELYN’S TRUST . Sadly, his own FATHER , CHARLES DANCE , isn’t that bothered about him.
CHARLES DANCE: You’re a fool and an idiot.
TYRION LANNISTER: Whatever, father. Also, you may be the first person to skin a whole deer on American television, so well done.
CHARLES DANCE: I hate Bambi .
Continues on the next page…
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ACT FOUR
There are ALL SORTS of POLITICAL MACHINATIONS going on in KING’S LANDING , which is where NED SHARPE/STARK now lives with his DAUGHTERS . Anger management here seems to involve random beheadings, especially when it comes to horses of failed tournament contestants. This may be FORESHADOWING , or it may be just be that it makes the audience go, “Oooh, equine decapitation… you don’t see that on MIDSOMER MURDERS .”
DAUGHTER 1: I wish to marry Joffrey Lannister! I am so young and foolish that I think he is wonderful, even though anyone can see he’s a total git!
DAUGHTER 2: I want to be a boy. Harumph.
NED SHARPE/STARK: Oh, stop your bloody moaning. I mean, really, what have you got to worry about? You’re both legitimate and that’s all that matters.
JON SNOW: [Weeps]
The KING is MURDERED . JOFFREY is now the ruler of everything, and the STARKS are in danger because NED has discovered JAIME and CERSEI have been BOFFING EACH OTHER .
DAUGHTER 1 : Daddy, Joffrey isn’t a nice guy after all! What am I going to do?
DAUGHTER 2: I want to be a boy. Harumph.
NED SHARPE/STARK: Oh, stop your bloody moaning. It’s not like someone’s about to chop off your head, is it?
NED’S HEAD is CHOPPED OFF .
THE AUDIENCE: Wow, but he was one of the main cast! We never saw that coming!
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: Get used to it. Teehee!
ACT FIVE
Strange things are afoot at THE WALL , with DEAD PEOPLE coming back to life and CAUSING MAYHEM for JON SNOW and his new friend, SAMWISE … sorry SAMWELL .
JON SNOW: Well, at least it gives us something to do beside shivering and wishing we were allowed to have sex. Brrrrr!
SAMWELL: Aye, that it does.
JON SNOW: I wonder how many more we’ll have to kill?
SAMWELL: Don’t expect me to know, I’m just here to provide comedy relief because I’m a bit chubby and rubbish. But I can carry your ring if you like.
JON SNOW: At least you’re not illegitimate.
SAMWELL: I’m holding the smallest violin in Westeros and it’s playing just for you.
News that his FATHER is DEAD reaches JON . Despite his VOWS to the NIGHT’S WATCH , he decides to LEAVE and FIGHT THE LANNISTERS .
JON SNOW: At last I can prove myself a true Stark, by killing as many of their enemies as humanly possible!
SAMWELL: Plus you’ll be able to have sex again.
JON SNOW: Yeehaw! Erm, but not with you…
However, despite ALL LOGIC , he eventually decides to STAY .
JON SNOW: I made a vow. I should keep it. Sex is overrated anyway. At least I have my Direwolf. [Depressed sigh]
SAMWELL: Look at me, I’m chubby and rubbish!
JON SNOW: Ha ha ha ha ha! Aw, you always cheer me up. You’re such a good mate!
ACT SIX
DAENERYS has, as suggested earlier, FALLEN IN LOVE with her HUNG LIKE A HORSE LORD .
DAENERYS: I love you, my husband.
KHAL DROGO: Grrrr! [Gibberish] Growl! [Flexes muscles]
DAENERYS: I am pregnant. I will bear you a fine son, even though you are so huge and I am so tiny and this doesn’t bode well in a world without epidurals.
KHAL DROGO: Grrrr! [Gibberish] Growl! [Flexes muscles]
They are HAPPY for a while, and then there is a FIGHT and KHAL is almost KILLED . DAENERYS is tricked into HEALING HIM by a MAEGI , but the MAEGI double-crosses her and kills her BABY . Also, KHAL is left a VEGETABLE .
DAENERYS: Bugger. Okay, here’s my new plan. I will kill my once-proud husband and burn him on a pyre along with the Maegi. I am so grief-stricken I will also burn myself, and because it’s a handy plot point, I’ll take along these dragon eggs I’ve been carting about since I got them for a wedding present.
She BURNS . Everybody thinks she is DEAD . And then...
DAENERYS: Ta-daaaa! I’m alive! And look, the eggs hatched and I have dragons!
THE AUDIENCE: THAT IS SO COOL, OMG. LOOK AT THE ICKLE DRAGON BABIES!
THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: Dragons make everything better!
THE AUDIENCE: Dragons! Amazing! This show is fantastic! When is season two? When? When?
HBO: One day, when we get around to it.
THE AUDIENCE: What?!
HBO: You didn’t think we’d give you season two quickly, did you? You have to wait at least a year!
GEORGE RR MARTIN: I taught them well.
THE END
Script by Jayne Nelson
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