My Bloody Valentine 3-D review

Smart choice of weapon for a 3-D slasher: a pick-axe that juts out of the screen – and numerous victims’ skulls. Shame that small-town killer miners (seriously) aren’t scary.

Outside an amusing sequence of full-frontal stalk’n’slash nudity, director Patrick Lussier (formerly Wes Craven’s regular editor) hoses plenty
of blood through the screen but zero scares.

3-D is all about depth. But you’ll find none in Jason X scripter Todd Farmer’s lobotomised screenplay, which provides the rope for Jaime King, Kerr Smith and Supernatural’s Jensen Ackles to hang themselves with staggeringly bad performances.

Jonathan Crocker