My Bloody Valentine 3-D review

Is 3D the next step in cinema? Not if this is to go by...

Why you can trust GamesRadar+ Our experts review games, movies and tech over countless hours, so you can choose the best for you. Find out more about our reviews policy.

Smart choice of weapon for a 3-D slasher: a pick-axe that juts out of the screen – and numerous victims’ skulls. Shame that small-town killer miners (seriously) aren’t scary.

Outside an amusing sequence of full-frontal stalk’n’slash nudity, director Patrick Lussier (formerly Wes Craven’s regular editor) hoses plenty
of blood through the screen but zero scares.

3-D is all about depth. But you’ll find none in Jason X scripter Todd Farmer’s lobotomised screenplay, which provides the rope for Jaime King, Kerr Smith and Supernatural’s Jensen Ackles to hang themselves with staggeringly bad performances.

Jonathan Crocker

The Total Film team are made up of the finest minds in all of film journalism. They are: Editor Jane Crowther, Deputy Editor Matt Maytum, Reviews Ed Matthew Leyland, News Editor Jordan Farley, and Online Editor Emily Murray. Expect exclusive news, reviews, features, and more from the team behind the smarter movie magazine.