Literally no suspects after Los Santos crime skyrockets 150,000% in one week

“Aw, come on!” he cried after the thief. “That’s the second time this week!” He proceeded to chase him for a minute or two, before going back to the station and forgetting anything had happened.

The unprecedented wave of violence started early Tuesday morning, with emergency response operators noting an unusually high number of calls. The police and fire departments have many of their members working around the clock to handle the hit-and-run injuries, unsolved murders, stolen vehicles, explosions, and other various acts of unthinkable crime.

The Chief of Police held a press conference this morning to address the crime spree, stating that the department believed three individuals were behind the rash of killings, but admitted he didn’t know who they were or how to stop them. In the meantime, residents are advised to continue acting as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

The repeated crimes, which have led to an influx of hospital patients and morgue bodies, could be partially blamed on the LSPD’s reluctance to keep those responsible behind bars. “I caught this one guy. He stole a car and ran down a bunch of people,” one officer told us on the condition of anonymity. “I arrested him and put him in jail for a few hours so he could think about what he did. Then he gets out and does it all over again! It’s like he didn’t learn his lesson at all.”

The head of the police force shook aside accusations of corruption and incompetence, but seemed unsure about how to stop the criminals. “We ask them to get out of their cars and they don’t listen. We set up roadblocks and they drive right through. We shoot at them no matter how many civilians are around, but it’s like bullets barely hurt them. What are we supposed to do?” he asked, defeated. “Maybe they’ll get bored and go somewhere else. I hear Vice City’s nice this time of year.”

Not Really News is a weekly feature where we take games too seriously. Check back every week to see us report on the events in games as if they were actually happening. None of this is true, or based on reality, so just sit back and enjoy the silliness.

Sarah LeBoeuf

Sarah is a freelance writer, editor, and consultant. Her work has appeared on websites including IGN, Polygon, Variety, NBC News, Nerdist, Ars Technica, GamesRadar, and more.