I don't want to sound like some sort of gaming handheld gatekeeper, but Balenciaga has no business making a portable console. Yet, here I am, about to talk about the fashion brand's limited edition take on the Game Boy that one runs one game. The worst part? Its buttons make an old Nokia 3310 keypad look like a DualSense Edge.
In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, allow me to fill you in. Balenciaga has created a retro console to celebrate Lunar New Year. Showcased by Demnagram, the portable device looks vaguely like an old Game Boy, and it's sole mission is to run an homage to the classic mobile game Snake. Its screen features a light blue backlight that's reminiscent of the earliest Game Boy Pocket mods out there. It also comes armed with four long directional face buttons, which serve as the bitter cherry on top of this disappointing handheld cake.
Some may call me a grump for dunking on the Balenciaga handheld. After all, it's set to be a gift for the brands "very important customers" rather than something you'll buy. However, as someone who loves the craft of portable consoles and the their unique design, this is a pretty poor attempt at paying homage to a segment of portable gaming history.
Now, I will admit that the morbid collector in me wants the Balenciaga handheld for my horde. I mean, we're talking about the same hardware editor that owns a Tiger Gamecom and a cursed Game Boy knockoff dubbed the "Game Child." That said, I'd never in a million years tell you try and become a "VIC" to get hold of this console, as you can already play its game for free online or spend your time tracking down an original Nokia cell phone.
Perhaps the fact that baffles me most about Belenciaga's gadget is that it doesn't look particularly fashionable. Not that I know anything about accessorizing or drip, but this thing looks like a cross between a Cybertruck and garage door remote. Put it this way, my head is more likely to turn for someone playing a Steam Deck OLED or Asus ROG Ally on the train than this oddball console. Or, if like me you still have your original Nokia 3410, start flaunting that in public instead.
So, what's the takeaway here? Well, I guess the only novelty consoles I have time for are food-shaped cheapies like the McDonalds Mcnugget handheld. Really, the main issue here is that Balenciaga has created something that doesn't quite understand the assignment, playing into the idea of high fashion video gaming over creating a handheld homage.
But hey, if Balenciaga wants to send me the handheld for a proper review, perhaps they can win me over (probably not, but willing to be proven wrong).
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