Kingdom Come Deliverance 2 starts you in the humblest origins you can imagine. I was dressed in rags and covered in shit, my back aching from a night spent in the stocks after starting (and losing) a furious tavern brawl. The contents of my coinpurse wouldn't cover the cost of the rotten tomato that a bored yokel had slung at my nose some hours ago. I had nowhere to sleep. I was starving. My local knowledge of the area didn't extend beyond the muddy street I was shivering in. I knew about six people within the nearest hundred miles, and at least four of them were actively hoping to kill me.
I would probably have to defend myself before long – the one thing I knew about this region was its high number of bandits – but considering I had an arrow wound in my back and they hadn't even let me keep the arrow afterwards, my best hope in a conflict would be to poorly season myself and hope I looked too unappetising to eat. Surely there would be no coming back from this sorry state of affairs?
Carpe Cupam
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The next few hours that followed were about as harsh as you would expect. Poverty led to frustration, led to suffering, and eventually death – which then led to long setbacks as a result of the ruthless save system. Most of the opportunities to make actual money put me in circumstances where I would be killed almost instantly, and those few sources of income that weren't treating me as cannon fodder were hardly thrilling: grimly chiseling iron into horseshoes or desperately wagering pocket change in some hustler's rigged dice game.
It was all getting horribly masochistic. The world of 15th century Bohemia was undeniably well-realized, but it also seemed to take a perverse pleasure in tormenting me. I tried harvesting flowers for brewing and selling potions, only to get my leg savaged by wolves – and consequently burn all my resources healing the wound. I tried to steal a few Groschen to pay for a proper bed, only to get caught and instead spend the night back in the pillory, quietly sobbing. I eventually managed to find some proper clothes, but within minutes they were caked in so much blood and pig crap that it was starting to impact my charisma checks, adding "soap" to the ever-growing list of items I needed and couldn't begin to afford. I would've haggled down the price, but again – blood and pig crap.
Combat was no more successful. In true immersive sim fashion, you start the game inept and bumbling at everything, and could be overpowered by a train of ducklings. A bandit would approach me, and I'd barely manage two ineffectual sword swings before my stamina was depleted and I'd need a time-out, only to be swiftly tackled and clubbed to death. I tried to slit a villain's throat from stealth, only for my intended assassination target to slip out of my grapple and elbow me in the nose. Again, clubbings ensued. Later, I was fighting from horseback, starting to get a good chivalric groove going, only to collide with a low-hanging branch and get knocked to the ground, suddenly staring up at a ring of burly, grinning faces. You can probably guess what clubbened next.
It's a long way to the top if you wanna Waffenrock n' roll
And to be honest, I hated it. My professional obligation to play Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 meant that I couldn't walk away, so every time a band of poachers or travelling group of Cumans split me down the middle, I'd just have to groan and carry on with this grim farce. Even FromSoftware hadn't been this stingy about quality-of-life perks.
But eventually I started to become aware of a change. A dozen hours in, and I'd managed to negotiate a cot to sleep on in a Blacksmith's storeroom. I had some clothes, and even some basic armor, dented and unremarkable as it was. I'd found a sword, and had learned a couple of tricks and combos that meant I might eventually hurt somebody with it. I had some money in my pocket, just enough to handle day-to-day requirements and basic necessities. I'd even found a horse to call my own! Alright, it was a flea-ridden nag that would probably pass out from exhaustion if it farted too hard, but everybody's first car is like that.
For hours I felt like I was trying to climb out of a well, scrabbling at the walls in the hope of creating a handhold. And finally, finally, I had a grip, a little niche into which I could pry a finger and start to lever myself up. The difference was electrifying. Momentum started to build. Money led to more money, as it always does. Combat victories let me pry better gear from dead men's fingers. I started to learn the nuances of the world, and then to exploit them. The man who trudged into Troskowitz village at the start of the game was a lowly peasant. The man who rode in thirty hours later was a wealthy, accomplished knight.
Let's be very clear here: those first ten hours of Kingdom Come 2 sucked. I genuinely don't know if that's meant to be intentional, some risky artistic gambit on behalf of the creators, but intended or not, I wouldn't have recommended it back then. It's not particularly enjoyable to be the medieval world's chew toy, and if my job didn't necessitate playing on then I might've thrown the controller down a long time ago. But I can't deny that it meant that when I clawed back all those quality of life options that would've been the default in any other RPG, I felt damn proud to have them. A bursting pouch of silver, a noble stallion, gleaming plate armor, a network of contacts, a range of talents to fall back on, and a combat record that John Wick would envy.
At my current point in the game I'm effectively a pre-renaissance Batman, a flashy swashbuckler capable of doing almost anything and fending off whole platoons with an effortless flourish of silvery steel. Earning that skillset has been a hell of a journey, and one that's clearly not for everybody – but I can't deny it's been one of the most satisfying progressions in an RPG I've encountered in years.
If Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 seems a little brutal to you, or if you just want a warm-up with something more merciful, why not check out our list of the best RPG games?
