Burger King unleashes obesity apocalypse

Forgot the 1996 USDA study that found nearly 80 percent of America's ground beef contained cow-manure bacteria. Because cheeseburgers... mmmm, so luscious. We stomp Texas-Double-Whoppers into the face orifices of any nearby children. And after feedy-time, we keep the young'uns completely immobile with Burger King video games.

At first, the games merely feel like repetitive but doable slaughterhouse work. But after a few hours, you're teleported into a hell of constant carcass slashing. The smell seeps into your skin and never washes away, and... well, you'll see. Just don't think too hard about that slaughterhouse analogy. There lies madness.