BLOG What Was R2-D2 Really Saying? Part IV

The tweets and bleeps of the trundling droid translated by Steven Ellis. Now we’re onto The Empire Strikes Back




The mist has dispersed a bit, but it is still a very gloomy-looking swamp. Luke pulls an equipment box from the shore to the clearing. He ignites a little fusion furnace and warms his hands before it. Taking a power cable, he plugs it into Artoo like a socket.

ARTOO: Oh, man. That was so scary. That swamp monster thing had me in its mouth, it spat me across the jungle. My whole memory flashed before my sensors. And it was mostly blue screen…

LUKE: Ready for some power? Okay. Let’s see now. Put that there. There you go.

ARTOO: Hell yes! I need a fix.

The droid whistles his appreciation.

ARTOO: Cheers, that hits the spot.

LUKE: Now, all I have to do is find this Yoda... if he even exists.

Nervously, he looks around at the foreboding jungle .

ARTOO: Yoda? We’re here for the Muppet Jedi? You brought me all the way to this mud hole to look for the frog boy? Is he here? This was dead Obi Wan’s idea was it? Did he mention your sister yet? Or who your dad is? Anything?

LUKE: Still... there’s something familiar about this place. I feel like... I don’t know...

STRANGE VOICE: Feel like what?

Luke jumps. The young warrior grabs for his blaster as he spins around, looking for the speaker. Mysteriously standing right in front of Luke is a strange, green creature, not more than two feet tall. The wizened little thing is dressed in rags.

LUKE: (looking at the creature) Like we’re being watched!

ARTOO: Blimey! That’s Yoda! He does live here! Weird. Blimey, last time I saw him he was CGI...

CREATURE: Away put your weapon! I mean you no harm.

After some hesitation, Luke puts away his gun.

ARTOO: Well, looky here… Still talking like a prat then are we? Yoda I am. Like a prat I talk. Fear leads to blah, blah leads to blah blah… It’s all an affectation, you know.

CREATURE : I am wondering, why are you here?

LUKE: I’m looking for someone.

CREATURE : Looking? Found someone, you have, I would say, hmmm?

The little creature laughs.

ARTOO: He’s Yoda!

LUKE: Right.

CREATURE : Help you I can. Yes, mmmm.

ARTOO: Luke. He is Yoda!

LUKE: I don’t think so. I’m looking for a great warrior.

ARTOO: No, Luke. This is who you’re looking for. This is Yoda. Tell him the truth frog boy! Go on, I dare ya!

CREATURE : Ahhh! A great warrior. (Laughs and shakes his head) Wars not make one great.

With the aid of a walking stick, the tiny stranger moves over to one of the cases of supplies. He begins to rummage around. Their tiny visitor pick up the container of food Luke was eating from and takes a bite.

ARTOO: Don’t let him near our stuff. He’ll nick anything.

LUKE: Put that down. Hey! That’s my dinner.

The creature spits out the bite he has taken. He makes a face.

CREATURE : How you get so big, eating food of this kind?

He flips the container in Luke’s direction and reaches into one of Luke’s supply cases.

LUKE: Listen, friend, we didn't mean to land in that swamp, and if we could get our ship out, we would…

CREATURE: Aww, cannot get your ship out?

The creature spots something of interest in Luke’s case. Luke loses patience and grabs the case away. The creature retains his prize – a tiny lamp – and examines it with delight.

ARTOO: See? He’s got your lamp!

LUKE: Hey, you could have broken this. Don’t do that.’re making a mess. Hey, give me that!

CREATURE: (retreating with the lamp) Mine! Or I will help you not.

Clutching its treasure, the creature backs away. As Luke and the creature argue, one of Artoo’s little arms slowly moves out toward the power lamp, completely unnoticed by the creature .

ARTOO: Get off the lamp shorty!

LUKE: I don’t want your help. I want my lamp back. I’ll need it to get out of this slimy mud hole.

CREATURE: Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is.

ARTOO: Right, sod this, Jedi Master or not, I’m getting the lamp back.

Artoo grabs hold of the lamp and the two little figures are immediately engaged in a tug-of-war over it. Artoo beeps angrily.

ARTOO: I don’t know what your game is but you aren’t having this bloody lamp pal. It’s not a lightsaber!

CREATURE: Ah, ah, ah!

LUKE: Oh, Artoo, let him have it.

ARTOO: Don’t tempt me…

CREATURE: Mine! Mine!

LUKE: Artoo!


The creature lets go with one hand and pokes Artoo lightly with his walking stick. Artoo reacts with a startled squeal, and lets go. Yoda hits him again and again.

ARTOO: Oi! Ouch! You little bastard!


LUKE: Now will you move along, little fella? We’re got a lot of work to do.

CREATURE: No! No, no! Stay and help you, I will. Find your friend, hmm?

LUKE: I’m not looking for a friend; I’m looking for a Jedi Master.

ARTOO: This is Yoda Luke. He’s winding you up. He’s your Jedi Master. He’s always been short a few marbles.

CREATURE: Ooohh. Jedi Master. Yoda. You seek Yoda.

LUKE: You know him?

ARTOO: THIS! IS! YODA! He may not look much now, but he’s a whizz with the lightsaber. Literally. Or at least he was, when he was CGI. Looks like he can barely walk these days.

CREATURE: Mmmm. Take you to him, I will. Yes, yes. But now, we must eat. Come. Good food. Come.

ARTOO: For God’s sake!

With that, the creature scurries out of the clearing laughing. Luke stares after him. All he sees is the faint light from the small power lamp moving through the fog. Luke makes his decision and starts after the creature .

CREATURE: Come, come.

Artoo, very upset, whistles a blue streak of protest.

ARTOO: Don’t go! I tell you, it’ll end in tears, just like with your dad!

LUKE: Stay here and watch after the camp, Artoo.

Artoo beeps even more frantically.

ARTOO: Oh, don't follow him. Ask him who really trained Obi Wan! Ask him what he thought of your dad! Ask him why you got dumped on the dust bowl with your uncle! It was all frog boys’ idea! Oh, I don’t know why I bother….

See the first three parts of this feature here , here and here

Dave Golder
Freelance Writer

Dave is a TV and film journalist who specializes in the science fiction and fantasy genres. He's written books about film posters and post-apocalypses, alongside writing for SFX Magazine for many years.