Top 7... E3 2014 no-shows

Where are they now?

This years E3 was a cornucopia of delightful games. If all E3s games were ground-down into a massive burger, even that bloke from Man vs Food would struggle to eat it without having at least one tactical chunder. And yet some games that probably dont exist were missing. How dare they not show up?

Where is Ride to Hell 2: Ridest to Hell? some people said. Whatever happened to Knack 2: The Knackening? others yelled, while weeping. Well, folks, I feel your pain. I understand that--despite the fact that the next 12 months contain more games than any one person could possibly play--something was missing from E3. In fact, several things were missing. Thats why Ive collected together the following seven games, and tried to explain precisely why they never appeared at E3 2014.

7. The Last Guardian

Whatever happened to Sonys third instalment in the ICO trilogy? The game appears to be stuck in development hell; caught between console generations and fraught with an irresolvable tension between creative aspiration and technical limitations. Either that, or ex-Sony President Jack Tretton borrowed it back in January and forgot to return it before he left the company.

Yeah, thats what Ive heard. At the Sony Christmas party last year, Shuhei Yoshida got a bit squiffy on gin and gave Tretton the only copy of The Last Guardian. Jack took it home, and put it on his gaming shelf. But then he started playing Assassins Creed 4: Black Flag and just forgot to play The Last Guardian. When he left Sony in March, no-one thought to ask for the Blu-ray back. Jack has promised to bring it over to the office at some point, but his wife tidied it into a box and put it in the garage somewhere. Hmm maybe its in with those awful old curtains from the spare room.

6. Red Dead Redemption 2

Oh Rockstar--how you teased us all with the news that youre going to release a new-generation console game before 2015. Given your rhetoric of developing your IP, we hoped and prayed that a Red Dead Redemption sequel would be the centrepiece of someones E3 press conference.

Rumour has it that Red Dead 2 is still a long way off, though, with Rockstar reportedly turning all its development resources to creating a perfectly made, photorealistic version of Eddie Murphys 1992 film Boomerang. At the moment, were really trying to nail that bit in the film where Grace Jones pulls off her pants and shoves them into the perfume geeks face, said a source at Rockstar that I just made up.

5. Beyond Good & Evil 2

Michel Ancels whimsical sequel was semi-revealed back in 2008, but weve seen precious little on the return of Jade and PeyJ since. Leaked footage suggests that it belongs on this newer console generation, and that it has chosen to go photorealistic. So why wasnt it at E3? The answer lies with Ancel himself.

BG&E2 was actually 90% finished back in 2012. That summer, creator Michel Ancel spent much of his time watching Handball at the London Olympics, obsessing over the unusual sport. In fact, his passion for Handball quickly overtook his desire to make games, and he quit Ubisoft Montpellier to pursue his new dream of playing Handball for France. Rumour has it, hes now on the fringes of the national team, and may debut for his country at the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. Good luck, Michel!

4. Dishonored 2

Several leaked images of the logo suggested that wed see a sequel to steampunk stealth adventure Dishonored at E3 2014. Indeed, Bethesda itself implied that there would be a significant reveal at the show, leading many to surmise that Dishonored 2 was a dead cert. Sadly, Dishonored 2 may never happen.

Back in 1994, when he was a young man, Bethesda CEO Pete Hines was cursed by an old gypsy woman from Hull. He was told that in 2012, his company would release a game called Dishonored, which would be about rats and stabbing. However, Hines would never be able to green-light a sequel, no matter how much he wanted it. Despite wearing a necklace with a dead frog on it, and burying a goat called Jeff in his back garden under a full moon, Hines has been unable to break the curse. So, no Dishonored sequel.

3. Gears of War 4

While Epic is now finished with Gears of War, Microsoft has bought the franchise and handed it to new studio, Black Tusk. Given the impact the original game had on Xbox 360 sales, many anticipated a new-gen Gears at Microsofts press conference. And it would have been there, if not for an outbreak of a debilitating virus at the Black Tusk development studio.

The disease--known as Woahbroitis--affects the victims hand/eye coordination, leaving them physically unable to render burly space-marines within a game engine. The infection is passed via high-fiving, and spread quickly through the Black Tusk offices after one employee picked it up at a baseball game. Microsoft considered replacing all the space-marines with feminist icons from the early 20th century, but decided that would go against the core values of the series.

2. Half-Life 3

Like that kid at school with glandular fever, Half-Life 3 just never shows up. Ever. Theres little doubt its in development at Valve, but the legendary development studio is notorious for taking its time with games, and was clearly unprepared to show it at this years E3. Or was it?

According to a report from someone I dont know, he was sat next to Valve head honcho, Gabe Newell, on the plane travelling to LA on the Sunday before the conferences. Gabe was in high-spirits, admitting to his fellow passenger that hed decided to finally give the fans what they want. He brandished a dirty USB memory stick with Half-Life 3, crudely written on it. Sadly, though, at the airport he was stopped by an overzealous Immigration Official, and in the confusion, the memory stick was chewed up by a drug-dog who thought it was a crackpipe.

1. Fallout 4

Of all the games not shown at E3 2014, the most notable absence was Fallout 4. Many had tipped Bethesda to finally reveal a PS4, Xbox One, and PC version of its legendary RPG series, and pre-show hype was at an all-time high. Surely this was going to be the year.

M.I.A.

Another year goes by, another batch of games I expected to see fail to appear. I suppose it's my own fault--I should have known that some of these requests were too good to be true. I need to stop getting so overexcited... until next year.