Political terms re-defined by videogames

Oh my divided stars and garters, there’s an election going on! And a damn important one at that. Kinda makes you want to know the issues, what’s at stake, which candidate addresses your interests, stuff like that. But golly, all that political jargon bores the shit out of us.

However, if you take all those crusty keywords and imagine what they’d be like in a videogame, the electoral process suddenly becomes a whole lot more exciting.

What it actually means: “The use of obstructionist tactics, especially prolonged speechmaking, for the purpose of delaying legislative action.”

What it would be in a videogame: An oversized club used to inflict incredible pain, especially quad damage, for the purpose of delaying respiratory action. Permanently.

Who is mighty enough to wield the filibuster? Obama? Master Chief? Fictional lawyer/pro wrestler Red Lawbster, whose special finisher is the inverted filibuster?

What it actually means: “A wing of the Republican Party organized around an uncompromising opposition to slavery before and during the Civil War.”

What it would be in a videogame: A “Whoa, Dude!” legislator with an uncompromising love of skateboarding and saying NO! to drugs

Insert guitar wailing sound effect here. This guy, oh man, he’s on. You name it, he did it last night before curfew. He’s not above causing a ruckus, but hey, he’s responsible too.

What it actually means: “To divide a geographic area into voting districts so as to give an unfair advantage to one party during elections.”

What it would be in a videogame: A Nazi salamander, probably hidden somewhere in the new Wolfenstein

It’s not like Wolfenstein has been particularly steadfast with its portrayal of Nazi technology, so the idea of German/salamander hybrid monster popping up in thelatest versionisn’t reaching too far. Yes, the correct term was “Jerries,” but let’s pretend the Nazis threw the “G” in just to screw with us.

What it actually means: “Unofficial but effective technique of arm-twisting to prevent labor unions and businesses from getting big wage or price increases.”

What it would be in a videogame: Effective technique of bone-twisting that tears off the bottom portion of your opponent’s face. Jawb0wnd!

We picture this as some kind of FPS CQC – look at that, indecipherable jargon for the other side to figure out.

What it actually means: “A moderate Republican serving in the House of Representatives who happens to represent a northeastern or Midwestern urban area, which is also the habitat for the Gypsy Moth.”

What it would be in a videogame: A freakish miniboss serving in the House of the Dead who happens to represent a shroomed-out developer’s habitual drug problem.

We’ll level with you – we’d never heard of this prior to our internet scavenging. If this comes up in an actual conversation... well, it can’t really come up, can it?