Mike Haggars Christmas Miracle

If youre a fan of old-school arcade games, youre undoubtedly familiar with Final Fight, Capcoms heartwarming tale of wrestler-turned-mayor Mike Haggar and his quest to beat the crap out of hundreds of members of the Mad Gear gang in an attempt to rescue his kidnapped daughter, Jessica. But what would have happened if Haggars rescue attempt had taken place on Christmas Eve? We like to think it would have gone something like this...

Twas the night before Christmas, and within Metro City
the Mad Gear gang kidnapped Jessica, cuz they thought she was pretty.
The mayor, Mike Haggar, was consumed by great worry.
Those punks kidnapped my daughter! he said in his fury.

For too long had the gang filled the city with dread;
Haggar vowed to bash open each gang members head.
Alongside Cody and Guy, he took to the street,
Where his enemies would feel his fists and his feet.

They marched through the slums, and made Js bones shatter,
then Haggar backdropped Damnd with a wondrous splatter.
Masked Sodom was next; he attacked with a sword.
But a few drop-kicks later he found himself floored.

Then what did they spy near the citys West Side?
At a gas station parked was a gang-members ride.
Using pipes they destroyed it, with the greatest of ease.
Oh, my car, sobbed the owner, as he dropped to his knees.

In a bar they were ambushed and thrown in a cage
But their foes quickly fell before our heroes rage.
And just to make sure Mad Gear knew whos on top
Haggar beat the crap out of a vicious rogue cop.

To the industrial area the brave trio went,
Yet after pummeling Rolento they were all but spent.
Luckly they knew how to prevent their defeat;
They punched over a trash can and devoured the meat.

In the Bay more punks struck, but they could not prevail;
Haggar punched out the biggestsome jerk called Abigail.
Upon reaching Uptown they knew their goal was near
As they found themselves facing the whole of Mad Gear.

Its Simons! And Poison! And Axl and Dug!
Theres Roxy! And Two P! And some lowly thug!
Grab em, said Haggar. Slam em into the wall!
Now smash away! Smash away! Smash away all!

Like water on rock, the Mad Gear were knocked back.
They couldnt withstand Haggars spinning attack.
Guy leapt off the fence and kicked them in the face
While Codys blows knocked all of their teeth out of place.

The battle would go on forever, it seemed,
But from a skyscraper above, poor Jessica screamed.
Haggar quickly pursued the ear-shattering shriek,
To find his daughter with Belgar, Mad Gears number-one freak.

Hee, hee, hee, Mister Haggar! Welcome to my show!
Its me and your daughter--beneath the mistletoe!
Ive been lonely, mused Belgar, but dont be misled!
That will change once Jessica and I have been wed!

Belgars eyes--they were empty, like two lumps of coal.
Theres no doubt he was evil, right down to his soul.
With one hand he held tightly to Jessicas wrist;
In the other he clenched a crossbow in his fist.

Haggar had seen enough; hed no longer stand by.
So he grabbed onto his foe and leapt into the sky.
There was slim chance that Belgar would be a survivor
as he felt the full force of Haggars piledriver.

Belgars body was broken; his mind was aloof.
He staggered, and stumbled, and slipped off the roof.
But Haggar heard him exclaim, as he fell out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, Final Fight!

Happy holidays, everyone! (And if you suddenly have an itch to experience Haggars backdropping, piledriving adventures first-hand, you can always download Final Fight: Double Impact on PSN or XBLA, or grab the Super NES version of Final Fight on Wiis Virtual Console.)

Want more final fighting? Check out gaming's most satisfying uppercuts and Nintendo: Banned in the USA.