Normally, we’ve got no problem with video game villians. Sure, they nick our bustiest wenches, salute digital democracy with a middle finger, and are inconsiderate enough to make us waste valuable bullets shooting them during a recession. Thing is, they’re always upfront about being assholes, which makes the shit they pull almost endearingly evil. What really gets on our teets, though, are those deceitful dastards who pretend to be our pals and pat us on the back… before stabbing us through it. Want the skinny on how to spot these secretly evil so-and-sos? You’ve come to the right place.
Warning: The following article may contain spoilers… and copious amount of ‘hilarious’ bullshit.
Stabbing you in the back in: Bioshock (Atlas – we’re assuming he’s using a Northern Irish accent), Goldeneye (Alec Trevelyan), Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (Harry Flynn)
Honestly, British game characters make real residents of the UK look like conniving dicks. We accept they’ve got certain advantages that make players trust them. After all, who wouldn’t be taken in by their kickass, dulcet tones? Trouble is, the niceties never last. And Joe Tea and Crumpets will invariably try to screw us over for money, power or crates of Earl Grey. It only gets worse the better spoken they are. Any Brit character that utters a word longer than three syllables is so evil, they probably had a hand in putting the premature kibosh on the Dreamcast.
Stabbing you in the back in: GTA: Vice City (Lance Vance), GTA San Andreas (Big Smoke, Rider), Resident Evil (Albert Wesker)
There are exactly two occasions when it’s alright to wear shades. One: it’s sunny and you’re located within five minutes walk of a beach. Two: you’re a legendary, and crucially blind, soul musician. Anyone who dons sunglasses outside these acceptable parameters is an automatic douche. And those who go one preening scumbag step further by wearing them indoors are evil incarnate. So it’s no surprise that 76% of game characters – all of whom wear shades inside – are backstabbing, self-loving Judases.
Above: What a dick