How to spot a secretly evil game character

Stabbing you in the back in: Crackdown (The narrator), Far Cry (Doyle), Metal Gear Solid (Master Miller)

Dude, never, ever listen to that little voice in your head. Sure, it might seem like our radio contact is trying to be a bud and help us in an hour of need. But, most of the time, they’re just concocting a diabolical scheme designed to rob us of our freewill, in the hope we’ll do their murderous bidding. And the reason they choose to communicate with us over the airwaves? Simple. Because meeting them in the flesh would expose their top hat and super villain twirly moustache…or some weird, and really gross, evil face rash.

Stabbing you in the back in: Dead Space (Kendra Daniels) Mirror’s Edge (Celeste), Half-Life 2 (Dr. Judith Mossman)

It’s undeniable, ‘only 38% bullshit’ fact that all video game girls can be broken down in two categories. Either they’re a martial arts or sports enthusiast cursed with giant hooters that’ll one day give them chronic back pain, or they’re brainy types with smart mouths. Anyone who comes across the latter be warned: said character is almost definitely a bigger bitch than Eva Brown, Paris Hilton and Cruella Deville combined. Put sassy and smarts together in a game girl and we’re left with one hell of a traitorous, soon-to-be murderous, cocktail.

Stabbing you in the back in: Infamous (Zeke), GTA IV (Dimitri Rascalov - Faustin's sidekick ), Stranglehold (Jerry Ying)

Any sidekick that isn’t an adorable marsupial in suspenders is almost certainly secretly evil. There’s only one reason these comedic companions shun the limelight: so they can use the darkness to sneak up on our character and shiv them in the spine. Every one of these journeyman jerks clearly wants the spotlight to themselves. They’re just too cowardly to get their evil on in front of our character. That’s why they conspire against us, usually teaming up with the game’s real big bad to royally mess up our mojo.