Who's got time for this shit?
What we have here is a collection of games known for either being baffling in their entirety, or for having moments of acute confusion or disorientation. Games that make you question the basics, "Where do I go? Who do I talk to? Where's the next quest?" Games where you are, quite frankly, always fucking lost. And nobody wants that. We want to feel empowered, dammit, and in control. There are asses to be kicked and bubblegums to be chewed, and by golly we need to be told - in no uncertain terms - where to find ample amounts of each.
Myst
You want to talk about feeling lost? Myst is the undisputed heavyweight champion of making you feel woefully, hopelessly lost. Flip a switch on one side of the island and something MIGHT happen on the other side, just don't expect the game to clue you in. Don't expect the game to clue you in on anything. Countless people have spent their childhoods waiting for the internet to take off just so they could figure out what the hell you're supposed to do in this game.
Pokemon
I think you all know where I'm going with this. That's right: the caves. And not just any old caves, oh no, I'm talking about those special caves that are, like, three floors deep and require you to use flash to see where the hell you're going. Flash. What a useless move that turned out to be. Now I have to substitute out one of my super-cool-fun-to-use Pokemon for a sadsack Voltorb that knows flash. Have fun being useful for like two seconds there buddy, because after that it's back to BILL'S PC. Forever.
Blaster Master
Blaster Master is great game, but also a classic Where the hell do I go? sort of game. You know the ones, where the game just assumes you magically know where to go next, maybe because you purchased the strategy guide (ask your local retailer today!). You play as a boy searching for his mutated frog in an underground labyrinth. Oh, and you also drive a tank. I mean, how else are you going to find your frog? I miss the '80s.
Silent Hill
Before we begin, you should know that I love Silent Hill - especially the first one - but goddamn this series isn't kind to the fresh meat. It all comes back to the map, which is really less of a map and more of a cruel joke. Getting to, say, the school may seem easy on the map, but in reality every street leading there is blocked off by a giant hole in the ground or a car crash or an insurmountable waist-high fence. Damn you insurmountable waist-high fence! Your character will jot down these obstacles as you discover them, which really helps reinforce the fact that you're completely screwed and have no idea where to go.
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Yeah, yeah. Ocarina of Time is arguably the best game ever and it won all these awards and it could've cured polio had it been given the chance, but let's talk about the Lost Woods and the Water Temple for just a second. I know the Lost Woods has 'lost' right there in the title, but it is a maddening bit of trial-and-error. For me, the supposed audio cues didn't work well enough to navigate by on my crappy CRT television, meaning I had to edge forward and peer deep into the screen to see exactly what shade of black was ahead in order to figure out whether I was headed in the right direction (or about to get warped back to the start). Ugh.
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
I know I called Myst the undisputed champ at making you feel lost, but E.T. for the Atari 2600 is a close second. This cold, indifferent, shell of a game is bad in all the ways a thing in this world can be bad. It is made from actual game parts - sounds, graphics, player inputs - but sucks all the life out, leaving a dry and wrinkled husk more withered than E.T.'s rubber face (sorry buddy). All you do is walk around, collect dots, and fall down holes. ARE YOU FUCKING EXCITED YET!?
