The Talented Mr Brody
The Moment: As Indy talks up the legend of Marcus Brody, the action cuts to a shot of the man himself, bumbling round a marketplace without a clue of how to communicate with the natives. Comedy gold.
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: Indy’s words of wisdom set up the aforementioned gag perfectly. “Brody's got friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan," he begins. "He speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he'll blend in, disappear, you'll never see him again. With any luck, he's got the grail already.” Later, he reveals Brody once got lost in his own museum…
If It Was Tomb Raider: Whilst Indy’s supporting cast is a continuing delight (Short Round and Willie excepted), Lara has the bloke from Red Dwarf for company. Not quite the same is it?
Grease Is The Word
The Moment: It seems churlish not to include anything from Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull , so we’ll plump for the Greaser dust-up that segues into a hair-raising motorcycle getaway. But then again, there was that bit with the monkeys...
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (2008)
Effortless Cool: This capering chase scene is the one sequence that feels like it might not be out of place in the original trilogy. Sadly, it’s all downhill from here.
If It Was Tomb Raider: It would probably be marred by some rot involving aliens, giant ants and the space between spaces. Wait, hang on…
Going Underground
The Moment: Having accompanied the slinky Dr Schneider into an exploration of the catacombs below a Venetian library, Indy is forced to move quickly when the tunnels are set aflame by the fiendish Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword. Not happy with simply escaping, he soon commandeers a speedboat and begins a high-speed chase through the canals of Venice. Yee-ha!
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: Not only is the scene an adrenaline-soaked thrill ride, it also contains plenty of the delectable Elsa Schneider. A very good thing in our book…
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara is never really hoodwinked by any of her various love interests… just one of the reasons why Indy is way more fun!
Dinner Is Served
The Moment: If Temple Of Doom is the most cartoonish of the original trilogy, the famous dinner scene is the sequence aimed most squarely at the kids in the audience. Monkey brains for tea? Yuck!
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom (1984)
Effortless Cool: Monkey brains might taste quite nice as far as we know, but serving them in the luckless chimp’s severed head? Well now that’s just too much.
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara would clean her plate without comment. She’s a little harder to shock than Willie...
"Don't Call Me Junior!"
The Moment: Cornered by Nazi guards at Castle Brunwald, Indy launches into an argument with his father, who refers to him as “Junior”. Enraged, Indy grabs a machine-gun from the nearest guard and takes out everyone in the room, save his stunned pa. Temper, temper…
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: The confusion on the faces of the guards is a real treat, as is Henry’s shocked expression at Indy’s violent outburst. Even when saving his old man’s life, Indy is subject to a volley of fatherly disapproval!
If It Was Tomb Raider: There’d be nothing so pure as an angry blast of machine-gun fire. Chuck in a few cartwheels and then we can talk…
Enter Connery
The Moment: Sean Connery makes his big-screen bow as Henry Jones Sr, welcoming his son by smashing a Ming vase over his head. Cheers dad!
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: Connery is a wonderful addition to the series, his impeccable comic timing crucial in steering the third film away from Temple Of Doom ’s darker tone. This opening appearance is a prime example, with Henry paying more attention to the ruined vase than his dazed offspring.
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara’s dad is played by Jon Voight, who barely raises a chuckle throughout the entire film. We’ll stick with Connery, thanks.
Shanghai Showdown
The Moment: Temple Of Doom kicks off in typically spectacular style with a sprawling, nightclub-set action sequence in which Indy is poisoned and must battle his way to the antidote.
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom (1984)
Effortless Cool: The venue is called Club Obi-Wan, Kate Capshaw’s dialogue is sung rather than squawked and Indy chucks a kebab skewer through a gangster’s stomach… What more do you want?
If It Was Tomb Raider: We’d get to see Angelina Jolie dolled-up to the nines, so for once, it might actually be an improvement.
Umbrella vs. Messerschmitt
The Moment: Finding themselves hopelessly exposed on a sun-kissed beach, it looks like the game is up for the Jones boys as a Messerschmitt dives ominously towards them. Pa Jones has a plan however, startling a flock of gulls with his umbrella and sending them directly into the pilot’s course…
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: Only in the Indiana Jones series could an elderly man’s umbrella be employed to defeat a fighter plane. Bravo sir!
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara would disrobe into a figure-hugging wetsuit and make her escape into the ocean.
Walls Closing In
The Moment: Indy and Short Round find themselves in a tight spot when the ceiling and floor of their sealed chamber begin to close together. Oh, and some spikes begin protruding from both for good measure. At least Willie’s on hand to sort things out... eventually.
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom (1984)
Effortless Cool: Whilst the trap itself is ridiculously convoluted, Indy’s mounting frustration with Willie is a comic delight! All together now, “we… are going… to DIE!”
If It Was Tomb Raider: Big Gerard Butler would only need to shout at the mechanism to stop it in its tracks…
Leap Of Faith
The Moment: As Indy attempts to navigate the trap-laden challenges required to reach the Grail Chamber, he is presented with a gaping chasm that appears uncrossable. Gritting his teeth, Indy hopes for one more dose of luck and steps out into the abyss…
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: The journey to the Grail Chamber is full of surprises, but none more breathtaking than this. The reveal of the neatly camouflaged path is impressive in the extreme.
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara could probably make that jump…
The Staff Of Ra
The Moment: Having entered the map room, Indy places the Staff of Ra into the correct base and stands back as the sunlight bounces off it to reveal the true location of the Well of Souls.
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: Its one of the more understated moments in the film, but the growing sense of anticipation (aided once again by John Williams’ score) as the sun creeps towards the staff is truly magical.
If It Was Tomb Raider: It would involve a hideously over-choreographed sequence of athletics, as Lara attempts to hit a sequence of hard-to-reach pressure points in order to expose the secret location.
Take Your Coat, Sir?
The Moment: As Marion and Belloq indulge in a spot of heavy boozing, the menacing Toht appears with a nasty looking weapon in his hands…
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: In a classic bit of misdirection, the chain-like instrument is revealed to be a simple coat hanger upon which Toht proceeds to hang his jacket. John Williams’ ominous score only adds to the tension, before the moment is defused by the series’ trademark humour.
If It Was Tomb Raider: Toht would then use the coathanger as a weapon anyway, completely blowing the gag. Humour is not the name of the game in the Tomb Raider franchise. Not intentionally, anyhow.
Motorcycle Chase
The Moment: I ndy and Henry set off on a motorbike with a clutch of Nazis in hot pursuit. One by one Indy steadily takes them out, using a handy flagpole to send those bikers flying. The moment where he sticks it in his enemy’s spokes is a particular delight!
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: Whilst it might not be quite as iconic as the truck chase or tank battle, there’s still something to be said for any scene that places a squawking Sean Connery into a motorcycle sidecar. “This is intolerable” makes us laugh every time!
If It Was Tomb Raider: We’re envisaging some sort of souped-up superbike with all manner of naff gizmos and gimmicks. What’s wrong with using a good old-fashioned flagpole?
Mine Cart Ride
The Moment: Indy and friends attempt to give their Thuggee pursuers the slip via a white-knuckle ride in a runaway mine cart. Hold onto your hats!
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom (1984)
Effortless Cool: Say what you like about Temple Of Doom , but it certainly doesn’t skimp on action! This chaotic sequence sums up the whole film in miniature: silly, hair-brained and bloody good fun.
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara balances herself atop the mine cart whilst doing the splits. Nobody is entirely sure why…
Propeller Punch-Up
The Moment: Indy is caught attempting to pinch a Nazi aircraft by a hulking, moustachioed henchman. A bruising fistfight ensues, before Indy realises he’s going to have to outsmart his opponent rather than out-punch him. Enter the plane’s whirling propeller…
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: It’s a remarkably visceral fight sequence, with both men taking a sound thrashing before the conflict reaches its grisly dénouement. The tension generated by the leaking fuel and naked flame only heightens the excitement further…
If It Was Tomb Raider: Some sort of ludicrously flexible head-scissors manoeuvre would bring things to a premature close. Booo!
Hitler's Autograph
The Moment: Disguised in Nazi regalia at a book-burning rally, Indy comes face to face with The Fuhrer himself. As Hitler takes the diary from him, it’s heart-in-mouth time for the audience…
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortlessly Cool: The tension is effortlessly swatted away with another great piece of comedy, as Hitler hands the diary back complete with his signature. We also like the way Indy doesn’t flinch throughout the exchange… it takes more than a ruthless dictator to scare him.
If It Was Tomb Raider: Hitler’s eyes would be out on stalks, only for Lara to give him a well-earned boot in the crotch.
Young Indy
The Moment: A gloriously old-school opening in which River Phoenix’s young Indy is pursued by a gang of grave-robbers through a circus train full of perilous beasts. The little tyke has pinched one of their artefacts you see, and they’re not best pleased…
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: River Phoenix makes for a great Indiana, perfectly capturing the character’s square-jawed sense of adventure. The scene would work perfectly well on any old freight train, but the decision to pack it out with circus animals is a typically Spielbergian masterstroke!
If It Was Tomb Raider: A teenage girl in hotpants would send the tabloids into a frenzy of moral outrage.
Have A Heart
The Moment: The demonic Mola Ram whips his followers into a frenzy with the human sacrifice of a quivering unfortunate. Naturally he does this by ripping his heart out. Impressive stuff!
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom (1984)
Effortless Cool: Whilst Indy is undoubtedly at his best when battling the Nazis, Mola Ram is a pretty good villain on his own merits. Meanwhile, the heart-rip itself is a piece of parent-bothering vaudeville to match anything from the other three films!
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara would be more likely to find herself battling a poorly-rendered CGI beastie than a heart-pilfering nutcase.
All Tied Up
The Moment: Having been tricked by the lovely Elsa, the Jones boys find themselves tied back-to-back in a burning room. Escape is paramount, but not before the pair find time for a good old bicker.
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: The chemistry between Ford and Connery is in full effect here, as the two squabble and snarl at each other with gusto. And as the flames begin to burn, Connery’s deadpan remark that “the floor’s on fire,” is laugh-out-loud hilarious.
If It Was Tomb Raider: This is the sort of predicament in which Lara’s adversaries might find themselves, having been undone by her wily ways. Elsa Schneider is sexier, mind.
Face-Melting Finale
The Moment: The Ark of the Covenant is cracked open, unleashing hell on Belloq, Toht and a host of assorted Nazis. You were warned, chaps…
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: For a family film, this is pretty grisly stuff, and still packs a punch some thirty years later. The crowning glory is the fact that whilst everyone else’s face is melting, Belloq’s head actually explodes! Just for being that much more of a shit…
If It Was Tomb Raider: Nothing so dark would have made it into either Tomb Raider film. A heart-attack, maybe. An exploding head? Definitely not.
"Why'd It Have To Be Snakes?"
The Moment: Dropping into the Well of Souls, Indy finds himself confronted by a host of hissing, slithering serpents. Alas, our hero isn’t too good with snakes…
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: Every good hero should have an Achilles heel, and making Indy afraid of snakes allows for a healthy dollop of squirm-inducing discomfort whenever one of the slippery buggers appears on screen. Harrison Ford plays it to perfection too, looking genuinely frightened when a nasty-looking viper rears up in front of him.
If It Was Tomb Raider: The tension would be lost amid a wealth of unconvincing CGI.
"No Ticket!"
The Moment: With Indy and Henry looking to escape via Zeppelin, their plan comes under threat from a Nazi officer, who discovers Jones Sr hiding behind his newspaper. Fortunately Indy (disguised as a Zeppelin employee) is on hand to knock out said Nazi and turf him out of the window. Realising everyone is watching, he shrugs his shoulders and barks, “no ticket!” Nice.
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: Another example of Indy’s quick-thinking deployed to side-splitting effect, this is simply a joy to watch!
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara’s cut-glass accent would give her away in seconds.
Timber!
The Moment: Exposed on a rope bridge, with Thuggee footsoldiers closing in on both sides, Indy realises he and his friends are well and truly trapped. So naturally, he cuts the rope. Desperate times and all that.
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom (1984)
Effortless Cool: This has to be the single most reckless course of action Indy takes in the whole series, and thus the most badass! The dawning realisation on Kate Capshaw’s face sets things off a treat: “Oh my God, is he nuts?” she screams. “He no nuts,” replies Short Round. “He’s crazy!”
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara would perform a swan dive into the river below, allowing for a gratuitous wet T-shirt shot as she hauls herself out again.
Time Gentlemen Please
The Moment: As Toht and his Nazi cronies advance upon a terrified Marion, Indy arrives at The Raven in the nick of time. All hell promptly breaks loose in the barroom brawl to end all barroom brawls.
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: The innately terrifying Toht is seen at his very worst here, the tension building unbearably as he fishes a red-hot poker from the fire and looms towards Marion. And then there’s the fight itself, which is so raucous the entire joint ends up on fire! Brilliant stuff.
If It Was Tomb Raider: Toht would be a preposterously-muscled and distinctly unthreatening oaf. Far less effective than the twisted little sadist on display here.
Dogfight
The Moment: The high-flying action sequence in which the Jones family attempt to escape the attentions of a pair of Messerschmitts.
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: The back and forth between father and son is what makes the scene. “I didn’t know you could fly a plane,” begins Jones Sr. “Fly, yes. Land, no,” replies Indy before shouting, “eleven o’clock” at his pa. “What happens at eleven o’clock?” is the response. Priceless.
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara is no pilot. A fiery death would surely be on the cards.
Escaping The Natives
The Moment: Just as the audience is attempting to draw breath after Indy’s daring escape from the temple, here’s Belloq with a tribe of angry Hovitos. Luckily, Indy has a plane waiting…
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: As Indy swings his way aboard the waiting seaplane and takes off to the strains of John Williams’ rousing theme tune, the audience is fully aware for the first time that this is going to be something very special indeed. Woohoo!
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara would stop and engage every single tribesman in hand-to-hand combat in another tediously overlong action sequence.
Temple Switcheroo
The Moment: Having navigated his way past a number of sneaky boobytraps, Indy is confronted with the golden idol he’s been waiting to get his hands on. Trouble is, it’s sitting on a pressure-sensitive plinth… time for some sleight of hand from our intrepid hero!
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: It’s brilliant how our introduction to Indy involves him mucking something up, but that’s the charm of the character. He rides by the seat of his pants! Oh, and the boulder is pretty cool too!
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara wouldn’t trouble herself over something so simple as a golden statue. Unless it has some incomprehensible magic connotations attached, she’s not interested.
Tank Fight
The Moment: Indy’s balls-to-the-wall scrap on the exterior of a German tank as it ploughs inexorably towards the edge of a cliff…
As Seen In: Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (1989)
Effortless Cool: Whilst the fistfight succeeds in getting pulses racing, the real delight lies in the aftermath of the scene. Having hauled himself back from the precipice, a bedraggled Indy dusts himself off and joins the rest of his party as they stare mournfully over the cliffside. Sean Connery’s double take is the icing on the cake!
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara would have emerged without a scratch on her. The charm of the real sequence lies in the way Indy collapses at the end, completely done in!
Horse vs. Truck
The Moment: As the convoy departs with the Ark, Indy gives chase on horseback before engaging his fascist adversaries in a scrap that takes place inside, outside and under a speeding truck.
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: It’s relentlessly exciting from beginning to end, the tension ramped up by the fact Indy doesn’t seem remotely in control of the situation! His expression as he clings to the front of the truck is priceless, particularly when the Mercedes badge slowly begins to bend.
If It Was Tomb Raider: It’d all whizz by in an MTV-style blur of quick-cut tedium. They don’t make chase sequences like this any more!
The Swordsman
The Moment: The single greatest moment in the franchise comes when Indy is confronted by a showboating swordsman in a crowded marketplace… you know what happens next!
As Seen In: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Effortless Cool: It’s the weary expression on Harrison’s face as he pulls the trigger that really scores the laughs. If there’s a cooler kill scene in action-movie history, we’ve yet to see it.
If It Was Tomb Raider: Lara would backflip her way over to the swordsman before choking him with her thighs. Impressive, sure, but way too much effort.
