All-Console Avatar Showdown

360: We said Chuck Norris - not Danny Bonaduce.

Wii: A full beard, hard stare, the age lines Chuck’s had since birth - everything checks out here. And you can’t see from the screenshot, but he’s wearing two deceased ninja warriors as Birkenstocks.

PS3: The Texas Ranger hat can’t hide the fact that there’s no possibility of a damned beard, nor the legendary “other fist” it hides from view.

Winner: Wii

360: That kickass fade is gonna be tough to beat.

Wii: A stunning likeness.

PS3: Black folks should be quick to inform Home that their community boasts more than two or three hairstyles. Again, the lack of a goatee cannot be made up for by an impromptu dance, Mr. West.

Winner: 360

360: The fact that he looks as if he just lost the Neverland Ranch is quite topical.

Wii: The Skele-Pop caricature we are all familiar with.

PS3: If the Freddy Krueger shirt appears strange it’s because, as with the 360 avatar, we had to build him as a woman! Don’t stop the indignity ‘till you get enough!

Winner: PS3

360: Well, it’s unappealing, so that lends some authenticity. But while we can appreciate that Mrs. Hilton is misshapen, that doesn’t excuse the wax nose. Morons have feelings, too!

Wii: It’s kind of an insult to blondes everywhere - slapping on a paint bucket of makeup does not a Paris make. And how dare you make us defend blonde women?! Mii Fail.

PS3: Objects in the Home creator may appear cuter than they are. Such is the case with our P.Hil. You wouldn’t believe how many idiots were tripping over themselves to be rejected by a female character piloted by a slovenly GamesRadar editor:

Dudes come running for the great taste of fake girl!

Winner: PS3

360: Passable, only in that it’s African American with dreadlocks.

Wii: Instantly recognizable. The dress retains most of The Whoop’s androgynist wiles, and makes it even harder to mistake for Doug E. Fresh.

PS3: Just sad. With no dreadlocks, not only impossible to make a decent Whoopi, it also omits any suitable Bob Marley and/or Predator. And since we were essentially dealing with a fat Niobe here, we saw those Bootsy Collins glasses and said, “Why not?”

Winner: Wii