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All-Console Avatar Showdown

Above: Rejecting people as Paris Hilton in Home never gets old

They’re all free, so there’s hardly a financial investment to consider. But one can still be proven to be an out-and-out victor that suits your needs better than the rest. That’s why we’re comparing all three character creators under the harshest and most obvious criteria. Although before we start, there are a couple of important things to bear in mind:

1. Wii/Miis have more functionality, but it’s also had two years' worth of creative users behind it who can easily create masterpieces in five minutes that you couldn’t in a lifetime.

2. NXE/360 Avatars are classy indeed, but even the most monstrous abomination will turn out looking like a Precious Moments figurine.

3. The PS3’s Home still has its foot firmly lodged in beta. While featuring a robust face manipulator, it’s host to a more pathetic offering of cosmetic features, such as somewhere around five shirts of plain and unchangeable color.

Let’s see how they all do with some icons.

360: The lack of overalls is immediately apparent, and that awful shirt makes him look like a Wendy’s fry cook. Overall he still looks “Mario” enough, and that mustache is mighty fine.

Wii: This could be an upset...

PS3: Clever sabotage, Sony. With no red male clothing to speak of, I bet you thought Bob Hoskins and Captain Lou Albano were as bad as a true-to-life Mario could get. He’s just a fanny pack shy from a trip to Universal Studios, yet also resembles a frightened immigrant caught in an INS sting.

Winner: 360

360: Women’s groups are going to hate us for saying this, but Lara isn’t Lara without breasts big enough to snap a human spine. Lusting after this Croft will land you a meeting with Chris Hansen.

Wii: Take away the body and blue shirt and all you’ve got is a Mii in lipstick. Truly, the Angel of Darkness of Lara Croft avatars.

PS3: Smart move, Home. Out of the four female shirts, one is a powder blue tank top, and the lone hand accessory is a pair of lacy adventurer gloves. It’s good to know your audience.

Winner: PS3

360: Who knew Kratos could be cute? Plus, a little scarring goes a long way.

Wii: Is this the God of War or the Guy Who Cuts My Hair? A flipped ginger-stache could’ve doubled as a scar, ya know?

PS3: With no ability to whiten skin tones, or add scars, or a f**king goatee, this Kratos Homey is flat out pathetic. From fallen deity to average dickhead at a ska show.

Winner: 360

360: This isn’t Link! This is from that creepy ass Mary Martin version of Peter Pan that’s been tricking kids into watching it instead of the Disney version for fifty years. Automatic fail!

Wii: So what if he looks like an albino Asian with rulers taped to his cheeks? This does look like some bizarre bridge between the Link in Ocarina and Wind Waker. If you will, a missing... nevermind, not saying it.

PS3: A fairly accurate princely, medieval shithead... if Zelda had been made into a modern-day Jerry Bruckheimer movie. But without the green Ebenezer Scrooge nightcap, he comes off like the bad guy.

Winner: Wii