8 genius options that would make games better

Take intoxication test before playing online

No good can come of being drunk in charge of a console and having the brilliant idea of playing against people online. You'll either have your inebriated ass-handed to you. Shout and swear like a madman. Or start crying like a baby. Possibly all of those and probably in that order. The option to take a simple test to measure your cognitive coherence and ability to perform would help avoid feelings of regret in the morning.

Increase text size

Too many games have teeny-tiny text nowadays. Would it really kill developers to offer font enlargement? Eye-strainage is not fun.

Mood settings

Wouldn't it be nice if a game was complimentary to your state of mind? Select 'Happy' for blue skies, jolly NPCs and non-violent, non-taxing, cheerful objectives to really boost that feel good factor. Select 'Sad' and all cut-scenes are replaced by a black screen that can be stared into like a bottomless pit of despair. Choose 'Angry' and you're free to kill anything that moves with cathartic abandon. In fairness, that last one's like most games anyway. And I suppose there are already a lot of happy games. I guess I haven't really thought this one through.

Hide all achievements and trophies

Screw that guy with the mammoth gamer score or bulging trophy collection. I'm not impressed. Stop imposing your phoney superiority on me with your accumulation of intangible, worthless 'rewards'. It's proves NOTHING. Apart from that you've got a shit load of time on your hands. Well done. It's like having a willy-waving contest in a hall of silly mirrors. That's the mirrors that bend and distort the TRUTH. I don't want to see them, so give me the option to turn the damn things off. Then I won't get angry. Or feel inadequate. And secretly envious.

Yes. That does say 445,638. Yes. It's a real gamer card. Yes. I do prefer the one on the right.

May 28, 2010

Matt Cundy
I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.