A Mummy reboot starring Tom Cruise sounds like a recipe for disaster but, inexplicably, the new trailer for The Mummy has steered it in the direction of this year’s must-watch blockbuster. The trailer features Cruise taking on Sofia Boutella’s Princess Ahmanet, and, c’mon, Tom Cruise cheats death in this more times than I can count (but I did my best anyway). Here are the seven ways Tom Cruise should have died in the new Mummy trailer.
In what is either the most obvious Uncharted 3 ripoff ever or an Ancient Egyptian action extravaganza from start to finish, one thing is for certain: Tom Cruise is unkillable.
Tom Cruise vs. an RPG. Winner: Tom Cruise
“Oh man, we’re gonna die!” Cruise’s buddy shouts in the first line of the trailer. Well, he’s probably going to die. Cruise, though, manages to avoid the Grim Reaper twice in the opening 15 seconds. A machine gunner misses a clear shot and then he handily jumps out of the way of a rocket blast because reasons.
Even a plane crash and ACTUALLY DYING can’t stop Tom Cruise
This one’s a bit cheaty. Tom Cruise probably does die in the plane crash ripped straight from Uncharted 3, but his character is brought back from the dead. Still, that’s one more notch for the Tom Cruise cannot die theory.
Suffocation? No big deal.
And when he does get resurrected (by evil, natch) he should have met his maker instantly by suffocating in that body bag. You think they have zips on the inside so carcasses can have a breath of fresh air? No. Just… no.
Rats, Tom Cruise survives AGAIN
In what looks like a case of Dishonored cosplay gone very, very wrong, Tom Cruise is swallowed whole by rats. Wait, what’s that, he survived? Oh, for fu—
Fun fact: Tom Cruise can hold his breath for 14 hours underwater
“You can’t run” says an unseen woman to Tom Cruise. Firstly, she’s probably never seen a Tom Cruise movie in her life. Secondly, he can run and swim. For an unnaturally long time as it turns out. You should’ve drowned or been dragged away by submerged ancient evil, Tom. Is the big twist going to be that Tom Cruise was the immortal being all along?
Ambulances are no match for Tom in Cruise control
Because, at this point, Tom Cruise is laughing in the face of death, he decides to take a tumble out of a moving ambulance. What can I say? The man loves irony.
Even the freakin' Mummy can't put a halt to his immortal shenanigans. This man will never die...
Oh, and when for the embodiment of ancient evil does get her grisly hands on Cruise? Well, he doesn’t die, that’s for sure.