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ber-Morlock The Time Machine (2002)
The Villain: A more human-looking Morlock than the others, the Über-Morlock (Jeremy Irons) is a telepathic leader who could do with getting out in the sun a little more.
Crappest Moment: Über-Morlock confronts Alexander (Guy Pearce) in his dank chamber, and rasps like a python with something stuck in its throat.
Scary? No. Hammy as heck? Oh yes…
The Octopus The Spirit (2008)
The Villain: All bulging eyes and running mascara, The Octopus finds Sam Jackson – as much as we love him – on terrifyingly camp form in this Frank Miller adap.
The arch-nemesis of The Spirit (Gabriel Macht), he’s a hat-wearing, water-loving goon hellbent on wiping out Central City.
Crappest Moment: “It’s gonna get worse before it gets better, pretty boy!”
The Octopus takes on The Spirit. It gets worse .
Ivan Ooze Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995)
The Villain: Resembling a scary purple amalgamation of Dennis Hopper and Robert De Niro, Ivan Ooze (Paul Freeman) has a clever plan to get rid of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers – hypnotise parents into becoming his slaves.
It doesn’t really make any sense, and the guy looks like he should be in some kind of alien cabaret, not attempting to take over the world.
Crappest Moment: Ivan – naturally – transforms into a giant robot.
And is still really, really lame.
Blackheart Ghost Rider (2007)
The Villain: Looking scarily like Edward Cullen, Blackheart (Wes Bentley) is the kind of pretty-boy villain that Ghost Rider should make short work of.
He basically spends his entire time raising his eyebrows and glowering.
Crappest Moment: Being overpowered by Ghost Rider at all – this guy’s meant to be the son of the Devil, for God’s sake…
Thulsa Doom Conan The Barbarian (1982)
The Villain: Darth Vader vs Conan should have been awesome!
But James Earl Jones’ turn as village-slaying warlord Thulsa Doom is embarrassing at best, disastrous at worst.
Crappest Moment: Thulsa is cut down (literally) by Conan in front of his amassed followers .
Now that’s embarrassing.
John Geiger Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
The Villain: A cruise-ship hacker, Geiger (Willem Dafoe) hijacks the luxury Caribbean cruiser that exploding-bus-survivor Annie (Sandra Bullock) is taking a much-needed break on.
Geiger’s plan? Crash it into an oil tanker as revenge for being fired from the cruise ship…
Crappest Moment: His plan’s foiled by Sandra Bullock…
Profion Dungeons & Dragons (2000)
The Villain: An evil mage who attempts to seize control of the Gold Dragons by creating a special sceptre thingy.
Despite being played by Oscar-winner Jeremy Irons, he’s one of the naffest ever fantasy villains. We blame the script.
Crappest Moment: Er, he gets eaten by a dragon.
Dwell not with monsters and all that.
Toad X-Men (2000)
The Villain: Henchmen in this first big screen X-Men get a bit of a raw deal – Mystique aside (technically a henchwoman), both Toad (Ray Park) and Sabretooth (Tyler Mane) suffer from personality (and intimidation) transplants.
Toad comes off worse though, getting some really dodgy lines and a horrible wardrobe. Then there’s that ruddy tongue…
Crappest Moment: Toad confronts Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) and performs a patronising little jig – before getting seriously slimy by spitballing her face .
Wrong.
Red-Faced Demon Insidious (2010)
The Villain: When lingering in the corner of a child’s darkened bedroom, a craggy shadow with an outstretched arm, he’s terrifying.
Until the film’s climax, when he’s revealed as a tacky mash-up of Darth Maul and Freddy Krueger. Suddenly the film’s about as scary as The Phantom Menace.
Crappest Moment: In The Further, dad Josh (Patrick Wilson) attempts to escape the Red-Faced Demon, who starts banging along the house’s walls.
Whatever happened to subtlety?
Tomatoes Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes (1979)
The Villain: The joke’s a decent one that lampoons silly slashers, but did they really need to turn it into a full-length feature film?
You can’t help but get bored of the killer tomatoes halfway through. After all, they’re not exactly the most emotive of fruits.
Crappest Moment: Blaring loud music forces the tomatoes to retreat (a gag appropriated in Mars Attacks!).
Wish all villains were this easy to trounce.
