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Green Goblin Spider-Man (2002)
The Villain: A cackling nuisance, the Goblin is pretty much the prototype for all villains in the Spider-verse – a good man corrupted by the power he unleashes.
As a foe for Spidey, he’s totally over-cooked, merely existing as a mirror for Spider-Man – he might as well shriek at young Peter Parker: “Hey, look, this is how absolute power corrupts absolutely, kid!”
Crappest Moment: His plan to make Spidey choose between saving Mary Jane and a tram-load of kids is crap – Spidey manages to save them both while barely breaking a sweat.
Think outside the box next time, p’raps, Goblin?
The Guardian Highlander: The Source (2007)
The Villain: Little more than an S&M bad guy with a massive sword, The Guardian is about as charismatic as a wooden spoon – and just as interesting.
Crappest Moment: He’s defeated, buried in dirt, then disappears in a blast of light.
And he’s still boring.
Medusa - 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)
The Villain: A blonde bombshell who sort of looks like your mum (if your mum was a Dolly Parton wannabe) crossed with Barb Wire.
Medusa’s about as intimidating as a leather-wearing kitten. And just as dangerous.
Crappest Moment: “How precious,” Medusa drawls , as she plants a bomb. “The three little bears and the big bad wolf come to rescue Goldilocks.”
Ugh.
Dr Feinstone The Dentist (1996)
The Villain: When he discovers that his wife has been bedding another man, Dr Feinstone’s gripped with such jealousy that he decides to get his own back – through the art of dentistry.
Because that’s the best way to punish a cheating partner – by destroying your own career…
Crappest Moment: Feinstone wafts on about the passion of an opera track he has playing in his office – then gets to work on his wife’s teeth…
Nature The Happening (2008)
The Villain: An airborne neurotoxin that causes people to kill themselves when they’re exposed to it.
Is it the plants releasing the toxin? Or the Earth itself? Or aliens? And do we actually care?
Crappest Moment: The film’s most ridiculous moment comes when Elliot (Mark Wahlberg) actually attempts to outrun the wind in order to escape the toxin…
The Worm Dreamcatcher (2003)
The Villain: Telepathic worms from outerspace that take over human hosts in order to colonise the human race.
How? They latch onto your arse…
Crappest Moment: Crap, literally, as a worm is excreted into the toilet by Rick (Eric Keenleyside), who dies soon after.
Bullseye Daredevil (2003)
The Villain: An Irish hitman, Bullseye apparently never misses a shot. Except he does.
He also has no qualms about killing women.
Crappest Moment: When Bullseye gets a taste of his own medicine – namely a bullet – he becomes a pathetic puppy dog begging for mercy.
Villains shouldn’t beg. Ever.
Madison Lee Charlies Angels: Full Throttle (2003)
The Villain: A former Angel whose halo has definitely slipped, Madison Lee (Demi Moore) has still got the bod, but it hides a heart as black as coal.
Flippy gymnastics aside, she’s a pretty scare-free villain whose grand design to become God is more hole-ridden than a block of Swiss cheese.
Crappest Moment: Madison fires her gun at the Angels, despite knowing that the gas mains have blown in the theatre they’re fighting in.
Madison goes ka-blooey…
Klowns Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)
The Villain: Aliens descend on Earth, having somehow acquired a taste for human flesh.
The form they take? Clowns, of course, enticing their prey with the promise of a fairground ride. They then entomb their victims in cotton candy for eating later.
Crappest Moment: The Klowns’ gigantic leader is destroyed – get this – when Dave (John Allen Nelson) pops his nose, causing him to explode.
Er, what?
Sir August De Wynter The Avengers (1998)
The Villain: Sir August De Wynter (Sean Connery) has the most brilliant of brilliant plans – he wants to take control of the weather.
Wait, did we say brilliant? We meant to say bloody awful…
Crappest Moment: Sir August meets with his secret evil society – all of whom wear teddy bear costumes whenever they get together.
Did we just black out for a moment there?
