5 places Kojima could end up now

Today, the internet went (ahem) nuclear for a short while as rumours of Hideo Kojima leaving Konami and, perhaps, the Phantom Pain's development spread. At time of writing, we still don't quite know what's happened, but this is the 21st Century - no one waits for facts any more. I bring you cast-iron conjecture, straight from the horse's mouth, plucked from the grapevine and dredged from a slurry pit in darkest Wales. Where could Hideo be heading? Read on and be pre-emptively shocked.

Kojima's never been shy about the odd Lynchian flourish here and there. Maudlin surreality sneaks its into every project he makes, and his interest in films is well-known. Where else, then, for gaming's strangest auteur than alongside his filmic equivalent, and on the man's most eagerly-anticipated project since his Ice Bucket Challenge? No word yet on casting, but I reckon it'll be the Log Lady - Hideo's the only person who'd be able to confuse us with bizarre storytelling quite as much.

If Kojima feels in some way aggrieved by Konami, then he has a kindred spirit in ol' Snake-lips. Hayter's been out of the Metal Gear fold for a good time now, so he'll be able to help his old boss accustom to a life where you don't have to consider the metaphysical ramifications of one man's arm taking over the brain of another. A nice long voyage would suit them both, but I'm guessing Kojima will make Hayter act like the ship's figurehead, just because he can.

The mystery surrounding Nintendo's new NX gaming platform fits perfectly and conveniently with Kojima's M.O. You only need to look at Joakim Mogren and the announcement of The Phantom Pain to see how much he loves a teasing reveal. My guess? Kojima's body will be painstakingly recreated in silicon and used as a real-life sparring partner for games. You know what's more revelatory than the first time your grandma plays Wii Sports Tennis? Watching her play actual tennis using the pseudo-clone of a middle-aged Japanese man as a racket.

Kojima loves food - his Twitter feed will attest to that. It's only natural that a man of his means take the next step and share his favourite meals with the masses. The "Hideo's" range will promise to release only food good enough that Kojima would choose to tweet some baffling words about it. The range will test the market with the Farewell Sausage, before moving onto this gross fish burger thing. Also, all the food might release nanomachines into your blood.

I'm sorry, but it looks like the man who wanted us to take the phrase "la-li-lu-le-lo" seriously, might just have disappeared where he threatened to for so many years - up his own arse.