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Ewok Mourner
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: Forrest Gump style, he would bumble through the key events of the Star Wars story, wailing at the injustice of murders and limb-loppings, yet never once learning any life lessons from his experiences.
Article continues belowJaxxon
The Character: A Lepi smuggler and associate of Han Solo, introduced in Star Wars 8 comic.
Why So Stupid? Look at him. It's another rabbit. Star Wars seems to have a bizarre obsession with giving heroes floppy ears, fluffy tails (and, for all we know, rampant libidos). Sadly, Jaxxon isn't the last such creature on this list.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: Watership Down in space.
Jodo Kast
The Character: A bounty hunter who wore similar armour to Boba Fett, in order to fool clients into thinking that’s who he was, thus commanding a higher fee. (From the comic Boba Fett: Twin Engines of Destruction .)
Why So Stupid? Seriously, you don’t fuck with Fett.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: We'd probably get the bloke's lame backstory, given that even Fett was undermined by seeing him as a kid.
Krelman
The Character: A patron of Chalmun's Cantina on Tatooine who became infatuated with Ackmena the barmaid. (As seen in the Star Wars Holiday Special .)
Why So Stupid? He doesn't drink through his mouth, but via a hole in the top of his head. No wonder he's pissed.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: It would be one hell of a U-turn. Even Lucas shares the fans' hostility to the Holiday Special .
General Grievous
The Character: Cyborg droid general during the Clone Wars, capable of wielding four lightsabers at once.
Why So Stupid? Grievous is the anti-Darth Maul, an alleged bad-ass who is easy to defeat (Kenobi slices off two arms almost immediately) and who fails to heed Maul's credo that silence is golden, given a cough that's as irritating for us as it must be for him.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: He tried. In the build-up to Revenge of the Sith , Grievous got a lot of hype. Then again, so did Willow.
Ooroo
The Character: A Celegian Jedi Master, forced to live inside a life support tank because he depended on cyanogen gas to live. (From the Tales of the Jedi comic books.)
Why So Stupid? Essentially, because he's brain in a jar, who happens tobe able to do the Jedi thing. You can't really imagine him wielding a lightsaber, can you? Except, and here's the shocker, he can.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: Critics would fall over themselves to praise Lucas for his commitment to bringing the brains back to Star Wars . The joke would wear thin before opening weekend.
Yaddle
The Character: A Jedi Master... technically, Mistress, 'cause she's a she... from the same race as Yoda. (Introduced in The Phantom Menace .)
Why So Stupid? In purely anthropological terms, it's probably realistic that there are lady Yodas hanging around. Dramatically, though, it harms the little fella's unique standing in the Star Wars universe. The thought of Yoda sex is... best not go there.
If George Decided To Make Her A Movie: It'd be an empowering chick-flick about an alien journeying to Earth to promote her spiritual beliefs, only to jack it all in when a toy shop owner (Patrick Dempsey) convinces her to merchandise her life story.
Max Rebo Band
The Characters: On keyboards: Max Rebo. On woodwind: Droopy McCool. And on vocals: Sy Snootles. Plus loads of other CGI non-entities, depending on which version of Return of the Jedi you're watching.
Why So Stupid? A test case in the downward spiral of Lucas' imagination. Already flirting with embarrassment in the '83 cut, the '97 special edition gave the band a bigger showcase...and they blew it. Even Simon Cowell would turn them down.
If George Decided To Make Them A Movie: Why bother? By the 50th anniversary re-release in 2033, their cameo will have ballooned to feature-length anyway.
Ahsoka Tano
The Character: Togrutan who became Anakin Skywalker's padawan during the Clone Wars (as in the fictional event, but also the film and the spin-off series).
Why So Stupid? Impetuous, headstrong and prone to giving everyone nicknames, she's the least likely Jedi imaginable. Coincidentally, however, she's also perfect for the youngling-targeted Clone Wars series.
If George Decided To Make Her A Movie: He did, citing his own daughter as the character's inspiration. Hubris is not a commonly understood concept down at Skywalker Ranch.
Cornelius Evazan and Ponda Baba
The Characters: Outlaws quite at home in the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is Mos Eisley cantina, who provoke a fight with Luke Skywalker.
Why So Stupid? Largely because of their complete failure to spot Obi-Wan Kenobi lurking behind Luke in tell-tale Jedi robes. By the end of the encounter, they're going to struggle to count their number of arms, too.
If George Decided To Make Them A Movie: We'd like to think it'd be all classy and deadpan, like a sci-fi Waiting for Godot , but deep down we know it'd be a stream of bickering, paraplegic slapstick, like a sci-fi Bottom .
