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America: The Game
Data Becker | 2001
While we applaud the bold name choice here, we do have some problems. First, how are we supposed to determine which "America" people are talking about? If someone says, "Damn, America sucks," we need to know immediately whether we should punch them in their traitorous faces or simply shrug with mild disinterest. Second, the West was definitely won... no way Old Glory would let that shit be lost.
Freedom Fighters - 2003
EA | 2003
What if the Soviets dropped the atomic bomb first and ended World War II? What if the USSR never disbanded and ultimately invaded the United States? What if - gasp! - the president was arrested? Playing as a blue collar plumber turned revolutionary, you and a ragtag squadron will lead Guerrilla attacks on Soviet bases across New York in this playable version of Patrick Swayze favorite, Red Dawn. Who hasn’t had a war fantasy where America was the underdog?
Desert Strike/Jungle Strike/Urban Strike
EA | Early 90s
World War III is starting - no, wait - President Clinton’s motorcade needs protecting - wait - a military coup is threatening the government and its up to a single Apache/Comanche/Giant freakin’ gun-coptor to neutralize the threat. The Strike series could be the ultimate Air Force advertisement with all the America-saving you need to do. Why no other military personnel assists you is beyond us. Army of one indeed.
Metal Wolf Chaos
From Software | 2004
If you’ve never heard of this Japanese-only Xbox game, you’re in for a treat. When Vice President Richard Hawk stages a military coup against President Michael Wilson for supreme dominance of the US, you can bet Wilson rebounds as one kick-ass leader of the free world not unlike Harrison Ford from Air Force One. But would you expect Wilson to fight back inside a giant Anime mech? That’s right, the President fights the Vice President inside Voltron machines for the well-being of America, making this the most Japanese of our patriotic games. Has quite the cult following due to the hilarious Engrish voice acting. “SUCK MY MISSILE PUNCH.” Of course, Mr. President.
Tycoon Series
A bunch of publishers | Various years
Nothing is more American than capitalism, preferably of the "rampant" and "unchecked" variety. And nothing is more capitalist, rampant and unchecked in gaming than Tycoon, the series of business simulators that now number somewhere in the gazillions. Some, like Railroad Tycoon and Rollercoaster Tycoon, are totally legitimate. Others, like Cruise Ship Tycoon and Snowboard Park Tycoon, are cheap knockoffs. Still more, like Lemonade Tycoon and Fairy Godmother Tycoon, are just plain bizarre.
All, however, are making money off the appeal of making money. What lesson could be more crucial to our nation's children, the future CEOs, politicians and white collar criminals of the world?
Terrorist Takedown
Groove | 2004
Finally, a game that has its priorities straight. When you're taking down terrorists (hey, that must be where they got the title!), you don't want distractions. Fancy graphics and sound? Hell no - as long as we can tell we're in the desert (where terrorists live) holding a gun (for shooting terrorists) with a bunch of terrorists (terrorists), that's all that matters. Quality gameplay? Screw that! Stupidly easy on-rail missions may have gone out of style in the '90s, but the quicker we can spread democracy, baseball and SUVs, the better. Bring on the mind-numbing linearity!
GRAW 2
Ubisoft | 2007
For a game that takes place along the US-Mexican border, with "good" American soldiers laying waste to "evil" Mexican rebels, GRAW 2 is surprisingly even-handed. You fight alongside the Mexican army, receive orders from Mexican commanders and even rescue a caliente female Mexican journalist.
Somehow, though, the game still inspired the mayor of Chihuahua, an entire Mexican state, to call it "unnecessarily rude." Because pissing off other countries is what America does best - and also because we wanted to point out that Mexico has a stated named "Chihuahua" - GRAW 2 earns an honorable spot on our rabidly patriotic list.
