Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
The Couple: John and Jane Smith had a limp and dreary relationship.
Marriage counselling didn't help. Shooting each other did though.
It turns out they were both high-profile assassins, who, coincidentally, were commissioned to murder one another. Aw.
It seems that violence might be a sure-fire way of papering over the cracks in this relationship.
Maybe they should try Laser Quest. There's a massive one at the Trafford Centre.
The Holiday: An adventure holiday perhaps - somewhere they can both let off a little steam. A bit of teamwork training. We'd recommend orienteering in the Quantocks.
Titanic (1997)
The Couple: When Rose and Jack meet on the Titanic, their future is doomed from the word 'go'.
Moneybags Rose comes from a wealthy family, and is engaged to stonking rich Cal, who's a complete and utter bastard.
Pauper Jack doesn't have two pennies together. But "when you got nothin', you got nothin' to lose", right, Jack?
Of course, they fall madly in love, but a couple of minor hiccups get in the way. Well, one hiccup in particular. You know the story.
The Holiday: Whatever you like, so long as it's not a cruise.
The Lord Of The Rings (2001-2003)
The Couple: Aragorn and Arwen. Boy, do they got problems.
First of all, they're from different species. But apparently that's OK. We wonder if it would be as romantic if Aragorn were a dwarf, or an orc or something.
Secondly, she's immortal and he isn't. So, when he dies, she's going to be hanging around for ages .
The Holiday: We truly believe they'd enjoy Florida. Hell, who wouldn't?
They can crowbar in all those "things to do before you die" (swimming with dolphins, Disneyland, bungee-jumping probably), before Aragorn actually does die.
Beauty And The Beast (1991)
The Couple: YET ANOTHER INTER-SPECIES RELATIONSHIP.
Belle is a stunning, intelligent young woman. And The Beast is some sort of cow-bear creature.
We sort of forgave Arwen, because she looks like a human. At least, she does if you cover up her pointy ears.
But The Beast doesn't look human, by any stretch of the imagination. No wonder the couple are hounded by the townsfolk.
The Holiday: They really need to get away from that castle. It's not healthy. They should go on a spa retreat, somewhere far removed from society, where Belle can pretend he's her pet or something.
The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (2008)
The Couple: Daisy and Ben have problems. Like, major problems.
Benjamin was born a little old man, and gets younger and handsomer throughout the film. That is, until he turns into a little boy. Then it's just a bit weird.
Whereas Daisy ain't gettin' any younger, Benjamin most definitely is. The couple only have a window of a few years together, before she turns into an old crumbly and he starts wearing nappies.
The Holiday: A trip to the seaside would do them the world of good. Lovely old Daisy could spend the day in a deckchair while Ben potters around building sandcastles and eating Mr Whippy.
Moulin Rouge! (2001)
The Couple: Let's call a spade a spade. Satine is a prozzy. However, she's a posh prozzy. She wears diamonds and has nice shiny hair, and probably doesn't have any STDs.
She does have one disease, but it's a fashionable one which makes her thin and swoony.
What with all that coughing and those whorehouse politics, we think Satine deserves a bit of a treat.
The Holiday: Christian should whisk Satine away to the Alps to get some fresh air and do a spot of skiing. We're sure the cold'll work wonders on those lungs, right?
Gone With The Wind (1939)
The Couple: Scarlett is fiery and manipulative, and Rhett is roguish and, sometimes, downright rude. However, they manage to fall in love.
Against the backdrop of Civil War, fire, luxury and poverty, they harbour a love which never fully flourishes.
We think that this is simply because they don't get that much time together.
The Holiday: These two would have such a good time on a cruise. They can eat somewhere fancy every night and do loads of dancing, the kind that people liked to do in the olden days. Plus there's Jane McDonald to provide the entertainment. Is that a bonus? We think it's a bonus.
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
The Couple: When Jack and Ennis fall in love, they don't get to do the usual lovey-dovey stuff.
There's no Milk Tray, no rose-petals strewn on four-poster beds, no teddies holding little lovehearts. They're not able to celebrate their love because society doesn't understand it.
A weekend getaway could just remedy that.
The Holiday: Camping's great, but they must be sick of that godforsaken mountain.
We think they should trot over to Amsterdam. At least there they can hold hands without being spat on.
Braveheart (1995)
The Couple: Lovable rogue William Wallace weds his childhood sweetheart Murron in a romantic ceremony in the woods.
They spend their short marriage on the run from the eeevil English.
Sure, William's got to stick around in Scotland to save everybody's lives. But surely nobody would mind if he nipped off for a bit. The newlyweds need a honeymoon, after all!
The Holiday: Bully and Mur should skip down to the Costa del Sol for a few days. It'd be nice and cheap (can't imagine they're raking it in) and who knows, they might get their first ever tan!
Revolutionary Road (2008)
The Couple: Jack and Rose part II. Poor guys have a rotten time of it, don't they.
Frank and April are -seemingly- the perfect suburban couple, with a beautiful house, money and children.
However, they are bored in their mundane, everyday existence, and want to start afresh in Paris.
Their French fancy starts to become less and less likely as the reality of life keeps rearing it's ugly head. Get back, reality!
The Holiday: Goshdarnit, they should go to Paris. Rekindle the spark and all that. They could even drop the kids off at Eurodisney and check into a fancy hotel.
Heavenly Creatures (1994)
The Couple: Pauline is a bit of an ugly nerdy nobody. That is, until Juliet swans into her life and makes it worth living.
The couple's relationship is demonised by their overbearing and less-than-understanding parents. They retreat to a fantasy world where they can be together properly without everybody making out as if they're complete weirdos.
Even though they sort-of are weirdos. Creepy, murderous weirdos.
The Holiday: They might not really be old enough to go on holiday together, but maybe their school does some sort of foreign exchange programme. We hope they have a grand time. So long as they're not staying anywhere near us.
No Country For Old Men (2007)
The Couple: You'd have to be pretty cold not to feel bad for Carla Jean. Not only does she live in a run-down old trailer in the middle of nowhere, but her husband, Llewelyn, is being hunted down by a psychotic murderer.
Understandably, this doesn't do wonders for their relationship.
Something tells us that poor, simple little Carla Jean just wanted to settle down somewhere and have a nice, quiet life. It just so happens she chose the wrong neighbourhood.
The Holiday: We'd suggest full-blown emigration. They should join witness protection and move their entire trailer to Skegness. There are plenty of caravan parks to choose from, and not a psycho-killer in sight. Probably.
Being John Malkovich (1999)
The Couple: Craig Schwartz is an oddball. He's a puppeteer, but not your average Punch & Judy type. Craig makes puppets of historic or literary characters, and then makes them perform bizarre sexual rituals.
Lotte isn't much better. She is plays mother to a flock of different animals, from parrots to chimpanzees, and believes that she is a transsexual.
Their portal into the mind of John Malkovich provides a form of escapism they so desperately crave. A holiday might provide a healthier form of escapism.
The Holiday: Considering Lotte's adoration of animals, perhaps a safari would be best. If they've got money to spare, we've heard Kenya's wicked.
Rear Window (1954)
The Couple: L.B. "Jeff" Jefferies is a photographer, wheelchair-bound after snapping a race car which crashed into him.
Lisa is his girlfriend, a glamorous socialite who wants to crank their relationship up a notch. Jeff ain't keen.
He almost drives himself stir-crazy staring out the window of his New York apartment, where he witnesses some mysterious happenings.
We think he needs to get the hell out of that apartment.
The Holiday: Only a city break would do for this cosmopolitan couple - somewhere fashionable and artsy, like San Francisco. Though it's not the most wheelchair-friendly city. Lisa might have to keep a tight grip.
The Matrix (1999-2003)
The Couple: Trinity is destined to fall in love with The One. Lucky for her, The One is a proper looker, and loves her back (as in, he loves her in return. Not just her actual back).
The One (Neo) has quite a lot on his plate, so doesn't have a lot of time to do all those boyfriend-y things that girls tend to like: flowers, oysters, PDA, that sort of thing.
We say, plug yourselves back into the Matrix for a couple of weeks and let your hair down.
The Holiday: They seem like the type of couple who'd get bored on a run-of-the-mill beach retreat, so snorkelling in the Red Sea would go down a treat. OK, so the fish might not be real, but they're so pretty!
Pride And Prejudice (2005)
The Couple: Eliza spends a lot amount of time just assuming that Mr. Darcy is a snob who hates her and her family. Turns out he's just a bit shy.
If only they'd just sat down for a cup of tea together and had a proper chat. One without any long words. "I fancy you" can't be that hard to say, now, can it?
The Holiday: We think this couple might enjoy a bit of horseriding. In the Lakes or something.
They could rent a little cottage and she could recite Wordsworth to him beside a log fire.
Sure it's boring, but they don't even know what TV is. They'd love this.
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
The Couple: Edward and Kim's situation is uncommonly unfortunate.
Kim has a violent, hot-headed boyfriend, who is fiercely protective of her. Edward has scissors instead of hands. Not ideal.
On top of this, they exist within an oppressive society, where a slight deviation from the norm is demonised.
The Holiday: Kim and Edward should jet off to a private island somewhere, where they can chill out without being judged.
Shouldn't let Edward anywhere near the sea, though. His hands would rust up and he'd be a nightmare with a rubber ring.
Twilight (2008)
The Couple: Ah, Bella and Edward.
YET ANOTHER INTER-SPECIES RELATIONSHIP. Sort-of.
This time it's not quite as bad as Belle and that bison-thing. But they're faced with a similar dilemma.
The major difference is probably a dietary one. It's not just a case of, he's a vegetarian and she's wheat intolerant. Their conundrum springs from the fact that he wants to eat her. And not in a sexy way.
The Holiday: Sunshine's a big no-no. We think they should try that Swedish ice hotel, in the middle of winter, where there's only about an hour of sunshine a day. There's enough reindeer meat to go round, and lord knows, Edward's good at catching stuff. He's quick as a cheetah. A handsome, cheetah with an impressive jawline.
