Britney’s Dance Beat - 2002
Critical shred: “A mindless version of ‘Simon Says’ to the masterful beats of ‘Oops, I Did It Again.’" - Maxim
No one’s arguing that Ms. Spears doesn’t have the right to make music, babies and otherwise contribute artistically to things that suck. But when Enix took its winning rhythm-based, punchless fighting formula and watered it down with a Britney-fication, it effectively killed its fantabulous Bust-A-Groove franchise. Tecmo would’ve given it the all the jiggly it deserved, with little to no damage to its volleyball or Battle Breast (DOA) franchises.
Here you picked one of six multicultural minstrels and shepherded them into the career all young boys dream of: Professional background dancer. All with a playlist five songs strong! If you could master the moves and rhythm based attacks, players eventually squared off against Britney herself, which in a way makes her the final boss.
Above: You better believe we used the nude cheat
50 Cent Bulletproof - 2005
Critical shred: “The caliber of game you might well produce having been shot three times and then stabbed” - Edge Magazine
When not celebrating birthdays, Fiddy has his bullet-worn hands in just about everything, and this fearless entrepreneur graced the world with his horrible game just in time to coincide with his considerably worse movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin’. Despite the critical golden shower, Bulletproof sold remarkably well. Mr. Cent even went so far as to recommend the game to children, reportedly calling it educational in its daring portrayal of urban existence.
Art imitated life as you played as an upstart MC who must kill hundreds of people in order to get his song played on the radio. The G-Unit went along for the ride, as did Dr. Dre (PhD) and Eminem, as an arms dealer and corrupt cop. You know - for authenticity’s sake. Thank the stars and heavens; the club scholar has a sequel in the works called Blood on the Sand, where he takes his logical brand of justice to the Middle East to recover an ancient idol. Seriously.