Ah, Valentine’s Day--when we all pace the floor trying to come up with gift ideas, and ask ourselves “What kind of message is this going to send?” If you want any hope of winning someone over, or maintaining the relationship you’re already ensconced in, then you better put some thought into this lest you incur the wrath of your loved one. But plain old pink and red heart cards are so played out, and he/she/it will think you just stopped caring and took the easy way out.

We don’t know which love-themed gift will make you stand out this season--but we do know which hearts you shouldn’t send as a present. No matter how clever or cute you think it is, your crush is definitely going to assume you’re saying something. Alternatively, if these are the messages you are trying to send, then by all means, go nuts.

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I’m a serial killer.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I need you... and three other people before I can get on with my life.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “If I’m ever on life support, please kill me.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “It would be such a turn-on if your heart was sticking out of your chest, too!”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I’m incapable of figuring out that a bright red circle is your only weak point.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “If you’d rather implant your heart next to your armpit, I’m cool with that too.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “If you reject me, I’m going to explode in a bloody mess. Also, if your name is Chaos, feel free to pee and fart on me.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I enjoy whispering secrets about our relationship to masked men.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “My heart literally has a mind and life of its own. I hope you’re OK with that.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I’m probably a humongous racist, because I bought and played Shadow Warrior.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I endorse child abuse, and will gladly lock our son in the basement.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “You’re like my overweight, comic-relief sidekick.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “If I’m ever down and feeling blue, my razor-toothed tentacles will rip some love out of you.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I think you should go see a doctor. One with the magical powers of The Healing Touch. Also we don’t have health insurance.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “If you find yourself incapable of using a weapon, these should come in handy.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I’m strongly considering chaining you up and impaling you with rebar.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I’d rather stab my own heart with a sword and wield it as a weapon than go out with you.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “It is nearly impossible for me to get my hands around you. As in, I never developed basic motor skills.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I wish you would paint your skin blue and grow a goatee.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I would don a mask and kill hundreds of things to win you back.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I want to cultivate your alien power by putting you in a test tube.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “You’re old, and you’re only fun for about ten minutes.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I’ll still love you even when you’re a mutated, megalomaniacal freak.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I would slash you apart for green health orbs without a second thought.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “Whenever I face you, I’m reminded of how annoying and anticlimactic you are.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I’m still addicted to a game I started playing 14 years ago, and I love it way more than I’ll ever love you.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I want to shoot you with my Spread Gun. That is not a euphemism.”

Instead of “I love you,” this heart says: “I love you so much, I want to explore every inch of your intestines.”

Will you be professing a warped message of love this Valentine's Day? Let us know in the comments below which freaky video game heart will best win over the object of your affection. Just make sure you don't say or gift anything that can be used against you in a court of law.

And if you're looking for more lovey-dovey gooeyness, check out the Top 7… Greatest love stories in gaming and Love thyself: Narcissistic game characters.