Ultimate Developer Battle

Raymond's nuclear smile is rendered impotent by Itagaki's solar-repelling all-weather eye-defending sunshades. Sword in hand, the unemployed peddler of wobbly bikini fillings advances on Raymond, but becomes distracted by her lovely hair. Raymond knees Itagaki in the nuts. Itagaki doubles over, rips his leather pants right up the ass-seam, revealing his officially licensed King of Iron Fist undercrackers for all to see. Itagaki falls on his katana in shame.
WINNER: Jade Raymond

The repression of his geek-infested inner child, Cliffy B begins to drive Lord Bleszinski insane and he decides to retire his fighting slippers and check himself into the nearest mental facility capable of dealing with such severe schizophrenia. Meanwhile, Jaffe is catatonic backstage with a suspected case of blood alcohol poisoning. It's a breakdown-assisted victory for the comatose Jaffe.
WINNER: David Jaffe

Newell trips on one of Sakaguchi's many envelopes stuffed full of Microsoft dollars, lands on the fuzzy-lipped one-hit blunder movie maker and prolific turn-based RPG developer and instantly kills him dead. Japan holds a minutes silence in honour of one of its nation's most neatly maintained moustaches. Newell wins.
WINNER: Gabe Newell

Not fancying his chances against the ten-years younger and awesomely brained John 'Dr Doom' Carmack, the ever-so-eloquent-but-often-a-bit-pensive-looking Molyneux launches a pre-emptive hype offensive by spamming Carmack's inbox with the following faux press release:

Upon reading the email, Carmack does a lumpy ass quake in his pants and locks himself away under the pretence that he's working on the next big thing in binary space partitioning. Molyneux wins.
WINNER: Peter Molyneux