The worst things a gamer can say to their girlfriend

Unless you're one of those few lucky men with a girlfriend that shares your passion for gaming, you'll no doubt appreciate that spending hours sat in front of the TV playing with pretend wizards and space marines can be the cause of many domestic disputes.

It may not trigger a 'bastard-you-slept-with-my-best-friend' sized tsunami of relationship-ending heartbreak, but gaming can undoubtedly cause its fair share of problems. To help keep things harmonious at the homestead, we've compiled a list of the worst possible things a gamer can say to their girlfriend. If you want to keep things sweet between you and your loved one, avoid uttering any of these.

"Nearly done. I'll just get to the next save point."

Every gamer's favourite lie. We all know we're not just going to get to the next save point. We're fully in possession of the fact that most games nowadays have a checkpoint every 30 seconds. And we're well aware that we can pause the game and save it manually whenever the hell we feel like it. What we're actually saying when we roll out the "next save point" baloney is that we're going to keep playing for as long as we can get away with it. And she bloody knows it.

It's a perverse drama that we can't help but play out to its inevitable conclusion: girlfriend gets progressively enraged until, sensing that she's navigating perilously close to her event horizon, we begrudgingly relent, throw down the pad, turn off the console in angry spasms of sudden movement and huff and puff with childish exasperation. Sure, it's not mature, but nothing should get between a man and the next save point. Nothing.

It's worth mentioning that "I'll just have one more go/one quick go" is another oft-shovelled line of transparent gamer bullshit that gets right on her lovely tits for all the same reasons.

"Did you see that? Pretty impressive, eh?"

No. She's not impressed. We may think that a better-than-perfect drift through the hairpin is a sublime demonstration of flawless skill and kinetic beauty. Or that our momentous 20+ kill streak is symbolic of our ability to engage with the virtual battlefield at an almost transcendental level of awesome. But she remains spectacularly unmoved by our victories.

 
Above: This is not what happens

Our intimidating displays of dexterity, cognition and guile are inexplicably unappreciated, acknowledged only with a raised eyebrow, a slight tilting of the head and that look of complete disdain that she reserves especially for tender 'you're such a sad sack' moments like these.

"You don't mind if I play online for a while, do you?"

Yes. She does. She minds very much because it means we'll be playing with our cretinous mates and shrieking like a foul-mouthed lunatic witch into the headset for the entire evening while an incessant, violently noisy soundscape of explosions, rat-a-tat gun fire and repeating military chatter squawks away in the background. It's not really her idea of a cosy night in.

 
Above: This is not what happens