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The Worst Celebrity Renders of All Time

Celebrities get caught in a lot of ugly situations. Half naked on the beach. Wasted at an all-night rave. Dazed and confused during a police mug shot. Puffy and discolored after a botched plastic surgery.

Nothing, however, compares to the horror and humiliation of appearing in a videogame. Beauty is destroyed in a vomit of sprites and mutated textures. Talent is lost in the wasteland of two dimensions or the soulless, robotic modeling of three. Everything fans love and recognize is warped, stretched, melted, bloated... and then paraded on the screen for dozens of hours at a time.

Luckily, what's rarely flattering for the stars is always hilarious for us. We've gathered the absolute worst examples of celebrity likenesses in gaming and - if you pay close enough attention while reading - you could win a fabulous prize at the end. Contest rules on the last page.



On the left? Iron Man the movie, in which Robert Downey Jr. makes years of drug abuse, prison time and revolving-door rehab look positively healthy. Apparently, heroin and cocaine = eternal youth and matinee muscles.
Kids, take note!

On the right? Iron Man the game, in which Robert Downey Jr.'s swollen and narcotics-laced corpse has been stuffed into an old suit, propped upright and toured around the world as a terrifying cautionary tale.
Kids, don't do drugs!


 
A lot of Fantastic Four fanboys complained when the dark-eyed, dark-haired Jessica Alba was cast as blonde-haired, blue-eyed superhero Sue Storm. She had to wear wigs, contact lenses and a lot of makeup to fit the part. When compared to the doughy-faced monkey boy they got to play Sue Storm in the Fantastic Four game, however, Jessica Alba seems like a natural choice.

Oh wait... that's supposed to be Jessica Alba too? Sweet mercy.



This comparison astounds and amazes us to no end, as the artists did everything right and still managed to get everything wrong. The hair is the same. The nose is the same. The forehead is the same. Even the smile is the same, if a little horse-toothed on the pixelated side.

Why, then, does the first Val Kilmer (from Willow the movie) come across as a dashing young hero, while the second Val Kilmer (from Willow the arcade game) comes across as more of a cross-dressing truck stop serial killer with a possible case of constipation? Why?



Jeez. We knew Bruce Willis was old and bald, but we had no idea he was also an extreme burn victim whose liquefied face threatened to drip off his skull at any moment. Can someone please get the poor guy a bucket before he accidentally forms an expression?

To be fair, this screen grab was taken from a PS1 game. On the other hand, the PS1 game in question - Apocalypse - built most of its marketing campaign around the claim that Bruce Willis had been flawlessly recreated as its digital protagonist. We pray, for the actor's sake, they failed.

 

26 comments

  • Wes-scarborough - December 7, 2011 7:16 a.m.

    Hahaha holyy shitt....this was hilarious, I was laughing so hard reading this I swear to God, too funny... keep up the good/hilarious work.
  • kalebm9 - July 18, 2011 1:14 p.m.

    Iwas laghing so hard at bill murry I thot id fall out of my rocker
  • FanofSaiyan - January 1, 2010 3:44 a.m.

    The most painful thing in Tony Hawks career... besides his broken bones.
  • Rasy2kG - October 7, 2008 5:30 a.m.

    I think Val Kilmer's render in will Willow is pretty bad ass
  • kaoticfish - December 6, 2008 10:35 a.m.

    lol great article.
  • statuslegendary - November 26, 2008 6:35 a.m.

    Spot on, I laughed so hard at the bit about Sly. Whoever crafted that gem of a likeness over at Nintendo is a genius! Great article as usual.
  • Flopsy - October 6, 2008 3:35 p.m.

    It's "fiesta" and not "siesta" under the Goldeneye entry. Fiesta is a party and siesta is a nap.
  • midknight8 - October 5, 2008 11:11 p.m.

    Bill murray killed my parents in a clown suit too...
  • TheGreatHobbe - October 4, 2008 5:42 p.m.

    everyone from spiderman 3 scares me
  • MultiGamer - October 4, 2008 4:51 p.m.

    First! That Bill Murray one was hilarious, also the jackie chan one.
  • linkganon - July 31, 2009 4:17 a.m.

    sorry, misspelled daniel craig.
  • linkganon - July 31, 2009 4:15 a.m.

    even though the characters on goldeneye do not resemble the characters on the movies, it is still #1 bond game ever, strange that the more realistic james bond games became, the worse the gameplay got. last thing to mention, best multiplayer bond game has to be nightfire since 7 computers can join in even if there are 1 to 4 players playing, but single player is better so goldeneye is still better than all of the bond games. i am surprised that goldeneye is still 30-40 dollars at one store yet all the bond games for gamecube ps2 x box ps3 and x box 360 excluding the danier craig one is 10 dollars max.
  • titansfan - July 30, 2009 8:07 a.m.

    great article as always
  • SandroTheMaster - July 30, 2009 6:22 a.m.

    "Fun Fact#2: The japanese believe David Bowie is the Devil" For all the freaking Gods and Devils, the David Bowie one me laugh so hard I thought I'd die (again). Also, the Macaulay Culkin's gave me a frightening flashback that I don't even know where it came from (and I really, really don't want to remember).
  • Gsindahouse - July 29, 2009 8:50 p.m.

    pretty funny, man No, seriously...funny...real funny WHAT THE HECK! on the spock thing, though otherwise that joke about the propaganda poster was mercilessly hilarious I'm in the middle of a library, okay go easy on me
  • LycanFox1 - May 25, 2009 1:29 p.m.

    omg Harry Potter looks like a retard!
  • youtouchedme2xtdar - May 12, 2009 4:12 p.m.

    lovin it
  • BuckyKat - March 18, 2009 6:38 p.m.

    The developer of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves only had the rights to make a game based on the movie. They didn't get the rights to use any of the actor's likenesses which is why Robin Hood doesn't look anything like Kevin Costner nor do any of the other characters look like the actual actors that portrayed them.
  • Mavarious - March 18, 2009 2:38 a.m.

    hehehe, that was hilarious
  • Oxfordcomma4 - February 27, 2009 12:28 a.m.

    Chuck Norris = burger head on karate robes? FTW Julia roberts = fairy butterfly thing? FT... wait... OK

Showing 1-20 of 26 comments

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