The Worst Celebrity Renders of All Time

Watch as videogames transform your favorite stars into unrecognizable monsters

Nothing, however, compares to the horror and humiliation of appearing in a videogame. Beauty is destroyed in a vomit of sprites and mutated textures. Talent is lost in the wasteland of two dimensions or the soulless, robotic modeling of three. Everything fans love and recognize is warped, stretched, melted, bloated... and then paraded on the screen for dozens of hours at a time.

Luckily, what's rarely flattering for the stars is always hilarious for us. We've gathered the absolute worst examples of celebrity likenesses in gaming and - if you pay close enough attention while reading - you could win a fabulous prize at the end. Contest rules on thelast page.


On the left? Iron Man the movie, in which Robert Downey Jr. makes years of drug abuse, prison time and revolving-door rehab look positively healthy. Apparently, heroin and cocaine = eternal youth and matinee muscles.
Kids, take note!

On the right? Iron Man the game, in which Robert Downey Jr.'s swollen and narcotics-laced corpse has been stuffed into an old suit, propped upright and toured around the world as a terrifying cautionary tale.
Kids, don't do drugs!


A lot of Fantastic Four fanboys complained when the dark-eyed, dark-haired Jessica Alba was cast as blonde-haired, blue-eyed superhero Sue Storm. She had to wear wigs, contact lenses and a lot of makeup to fit the part. When compared to the doughy-faced monkey boy they got to play Sue Storm in the Fantastic Four game, however, Jessica Alba seems like a natural choice.

Oh wait... that's supposed to be Jessica Alba too? Sweet mercy.


This comparison astounds and amazes us to no end, as the artists did everything right and still managed to get everything wrong. The hair is the same. The nose is the same. The forehead is the same. Even the smile is the same, if a little horse-toothed on the pixelated side.

Why, then, does the first Val Kilmer (from Willow the movie) come across as a dashing young hero, while the second Val Kilmer (from Willow the arcade game) comes across as more of a cross-dressing truck stop serial killer with a possible case of constipation? Why?


Jeez. We knew Bruce Willis was old and bald, but we had no idea he was also an extreme burn victim whose liquefied face threatened to drip off his skull at any moment. Can someone please get the poor guy a bucket before he accidentally forms an expression?


To be fair, this screen grab was taken from a PS1 game. On the other hand, the PS1 game in question - Apocalypse - built most of its marketing campaign around the claim that Bruce Willis had been flawlessly recreated as its digital protagonist. We pray, for the actor's sake, they failed.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I enjoy sunshine, the company of kittens and turning frowns upside down. I am also a fan of sarcasm. Let's be friends!

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