The secretly sinister storylines of your favourite games

Think you're always playing the good guy? Yeah right. A little simplification is all it takes to show up the moral bankruptcy and social deviancy lurking within the game plots we all know and love. Boil things down to their basic narrative elements and a dark side will bubble reekingly to the surface of even the most innocent story. Read on and find out the kind of horrors you've really been partaking in.

And when you're done here, click over to postmodernbarney, whose movie plot summaries inspired us to give video games the same treatment. Hey, we can't have all the good ideas on the internet, after all.

A sleeper agent causes the downfall of a rightful ruler, collapses the local social structure, then leaves and takes young girls with him.

A man lures attractive women to his home on false pretenses. They like it, decide to stay and remove their clothes.

A zealous military man kills visiting foreign dignitaries.

A has-been former star reacts violently to the cancellation of his contract.

A mentally divergent 39-year-old man earns the trust of a terminally ill 14-year-old girl and other disaffected children. He then takes them far away from home.

A young girl is sexually abused, then treated with prejudice and contempt.

A troubled youth with delusions of military glory gains control of a terrorist group under false pretenses.

Colonists destroy their new home with war, kill the natives and waste natural resources. A convicted war criminal is praised as a hero.

A disgruntled employee murders his boss and co-workers before attempting suicide. He earns a promotion.

A scientist bungles an experiment with horrific results and greets the repercussions with violence.

A disgraced former scientist wages a campaign of terror against the government and endangers the populace with the sabotage of a power reactor.

A military man uses pronounced physical advantages to kill thousands over religious differences.

A serial murderer claims repentance through religion, but goes back to his old ways as soon as money is short.

An irresponsible drunk causes gross damage to public property, then makes his offspring clear up his mess.

A youth steals historical artifacts and descrates ancient monuments, then assists a notorious thief in doing similar.

A government puppet kills wronged military veterans.

An out-of-work children's entertainer scrabbles in the ground for food.

A disaffected loner embarks on a killing spree. He also sexually harrasses a female colleague. He is known to enjoy videogames, anime and internet use.

An obese compulsive eater gains a sense of empowerment through drug use.

A foreign invader enslaves indiginous people. Many die doing his bidding.

Children snare wild animals and train them to fight each other in order to gain the respect of their peers.

An employee breaks professional protocol and causes the destruction of company property.

A headstrong young royal brings trouble to his country in the aftermath of overseas aggression.

A gun-toting American visits a developing nation and loots valuable natural resources while shooting defensive natives. He does so for the sake of freedom.

A disturbed wife-murderer goes on town-wide rampage, killing female health workers.

A blue-collar worker becomes obsessed with a female dignitary. He embarks on a long journey and assaults numerous royal employees in order to gain personal contact with her.

A blue collar worker aggressively chases wildlife in his car.

A privileged aristocrat plunders developing countries, killing endangered local wildlife along the way.

Animals are snared, farmed, fed to each other, and eventually sold to be killed for the amusement of children.

A man breaks into a house, raids the basement for valuable posessions and is venerated for his efforts.

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  • shadowless92 - June 12, 2009 11:20 a.m.

    maybe im 1st !! LOLLOLOL gears of war truth was the best add me
  • The_Lurcher - June 12, 2009 12:48 p.m.

    Last (F*** you first nobody likes you This article is a definant lol fest I'd never thought of pokemon like that before the RSPCA would be horrified.
  • GR_DavidHoughton - June 12, 2009 1:43 p.m.

    Pokemon horrifies the crap out of me. It's a sanitised depiction of cock-fighting and nothing more. Nintendo have been condoning and profiting from the misery of animals for years, and I can't believe the tabloids haven't got involved yet. Ban this sick filth!
  • peaceful765 - June 12, 2009 6:02 p.m.

    Enjoyed. Might of been fun just showing the descriptions then seeing if we can guess the game.
  • Ded - June 12, 2009 7:42 p.m.

    But No More Heroes IS like that :D I thought that was the point?
  • Sabtos - June 12, 2009 10:48 p.m.

    LMFAO! AWESOME. So true, not just to the games, but to reality.
  • Sabtos - June 12, 2009 10:49 p.m.

    LMFAO! AWESOME. So true, not just to the games, but to reality.
  • vic88 - June 12, 2009 11:11 p.m.

    good article and all on one page.
  • winterwolf - June 12, 2009 11:18 p.m.

    Hahaha, man, this article's a riot. I'd love to describe games this way. @Sabtos yeah, this definitely happens in reality. (seriously, all the time in news stories)
  • Zeipher - June 12, 2009 11:30 p.m.

    The simplification of Silent Hill 2 made me laugh. And also Bioshock: "And takes young girls with him." Lolz
  • Ezekiel17 - June 12, 2009 11:41 p.m.

    Lolz! Another great article! Games Radar has officialy won the internet! :D
  • TURbo - June 12, 2009 11:48 p.m.

    great article
  • AntistaIsTheLight - June 13, 2009 12:15 a.m.

    Favorites are (in order) Pac-Man,DoA:XV,Super Mario Brothers&Kart,and Loz:OoT. Keep up the good work GamesRadar!
  • lovinmyps3 - June 13, 2009 12:32 a.m.

    lol my favorites were resident evil 5, pokemon, and god of war AMERICA! FUCK YA!! (should be the RE5 theme songe)
  • Hurricrane - June 13, 2009 12:44 a.m.

    my fav is God of War, tends to be the reaction in this time of bad management
  • Stabby_Joe - June 13, 2009 1:21 a.m.

    The God of War one made me laugh the most because it randomly yet fittingly ends with a "promotion" lol! BTW I've been saying THAT'S what Pokemon is since it came about, its not even a joke, thats what it is! Like cock fighting, but the trainers withdraw them before they die!
  • Ninja-KiLLR - June 13, 2009 1:53 a.m.

    the pikmin and halo were so true
  • joabbuac - June 13, 2009 4:22 a.m.

    haha loved the god of war one
  • Ravenbom - June 13, 2009 8:18 a.m.

    LMAO! Nice ending with Zork. Good old classic to end it all.
  • Picnic1 - June 13, 2009 12:23 p.m.

    All the others, as far as I've played, seem to make sense but Pacman's drug use remains completely unproven speculation! They could still be sweets/other food or just round dots although some do seem to temporarily turn ghosts in to unconfident shadows of their former selves- but if you are seeing ghosts in the first place then you may have problems, regardless of how confident or shadowy they are.

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