Stupid game terminology

We translate baffling game phrases. Apparently, a Trimodal Ectosphere is a blob

Some people simply can't call a spade a spade. Or, in the case of video games, call a health pack a health pack, instead of a multi-purpose, cosmic healitron 3000. And we’re glad they can't, as trying to give games extra context or dimension by pasting unnecessary and sometimes baffling terminology onto simple, every day game actions or objects is great. Below are some of the best examples. Now, where did we put our Flash Liquidizing Ultra Dousing Device? The windows need a wash.

Total Punch Control
As seen in: Fight Night
What is it? Punching by twiddling sticks

Strategic dismemberment
As seen in: Dead Space
What is it? Blowing bits off aliens

GeoMod technology
As seen in: Red Faction
What is it? Blowing holes in stuff

Total Swing Control
As seen in: Tiger Woods
What is it? Swinging by twiddling sticks

Bee Reflex Activation
As seen in: Bee Movie Game
What is it? A speed boost

Flash Liquidizing Ultra Dousing Device
As seen in: Super Mario Sunshine
What is it? A hose

Hyper-space propulsion pack with nuclear fission thrusters
As seen in: Cybernator (SNES)
What is it? A jet-pack

Poltergust 3000
As seen in: Luigi’s Mansion
What is it? A Dustbuster

FIFA First Touch Control
As seen in: FIFA 05
What is it? Stopping the ball by twiddling sticks

WE-PES 2009 Claw
As seen in: PES 2009
What is it? A football

The essence-capturing Gaamsav
As seen in: Outcast (PC)
What is it? A save system

Super powered space shuttle
As seen in: Super Breakout (Atari 2600)
What is it? A bat

Iridescent force field
As seen in: Super Breakout (Atari 2600)
What is it? A wall

PHosphoLuminescent AGent capsules that leak glowing liquid (PHLAG)
As seen in: F.E.A.R. 2
What is it? A flag (as in capture the PHLAG)

Game Select Matrix…
As seen in: Asteroids (Arcade)
What is it? Changing your number of lives

Foxhound Skull Suit
As seen in: Metal Gear Solid 2
What is it? Spandex

Laser Microphone tactical audio kit
As seen in: Splinter Cell
What is it? A mic

Space Window
As seen in: Star Ship (Atari 2600)
What is it? Your TV screen

Above: A chilling view into the future

Trimodal Ectosphere
As seen in: Captain Comic (MS-DOS)
What is it? A blob

Wii Zapper
As seen in: Link's Crossbow Training
What is it? A f**king lightgun

Tactical Assessment Computer System
As seen in: Duke Nukem: Zero Hour
What is it? A PC

Above: Nothing impresses Nukem's babes more than the Duke packing his BBC computer

Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System
As seen in: Fallout 3
What is it? Aiming

Hostile Action Rapid Messaging
As seen in: Body Harvest (N64)
What is it? Healing

Quarterback Vision Control
As seen in: Madden NFL 07
What is it? A line of sight

Centipede Attack Formation
As seen in: Centipede (Arcade)
What is it? A bunch of squares

Got any examples of terrible game terminology you want to share? Let us know in the comments below.

June 18, 2009

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