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Non-playable characters we wish were playable

Over the years we’ve been forced to control some fairly dreadful characters. Monosyllabic space marines. Sassy cartoon marsupials. Ashley Graham. And the really annoying thing is most of these boring, obnoxious or insipid playable stars have been surrounded by brilliantly offbeat, charming or mysterious NPCs we’d have loved to control. That’s why we’ve put together the ultimate list of characters who were criminally left out in the NPC cold and why they'd have offered awesome diversions in the games you never controlled them in.

As not played in: Resident Evil 4

Seriously, how could we kick this list off with anyone but Mr. ‘WELCOME STRANGER’. Already a cult figure after only one Resi game – eat that Barry Burton – the mysterious, enigmatic Merchant would be a brilliant playable character. Just imagine your trench coat billowing every time you drew your - almost unlimited supply – of guns to cap some undead ass. Hell, we can just see it now: The Merchant in a post-modern Wild West zombie game. It would sell, literally, three copies. Awesome.

As not played in: FIFA 09

So we could reward players with the card they deserve when they cynically scythe down a man running through on goal. A Noel Redmonds. An early bath. A red card, in other words, ref.

As not played in: Street Fighter II

Who's the most badass character in the Street Fighter series? Chun Li and her calves of concrete? M. Bison and his Hitler-shaming ways? That green bloke known as Jimmy to his mum? Nope. It’s the poultry-strangling, black hole where his heart should be, background character from Miss Li’s Street Fighter II stage. We can barely comprehend how vicious his ultra move would be in SF IV. We’d just clear all our fouls out of Dodge.

As not played in: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

Why control an evil-faced planet that’s stuck in a time warp, which could flatten such a charming place as Termina, you ask? So we could flatten Tingle. Again and again… and again. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: What. An. Asshole.

As not played in: Shenmue

So we could kill Ryu at the start and never go through the pain of playing through two incredibly absorbing adventures, which left us wanting the supposed three final parts that would never come. Thus avoiding the insanity that has plagued our souls over a lack of closure ever since.

As not played in: Ico

To prove girls can actually jump across a two foot gap without male assistance.

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68 comments

  • ryno - February 13, 2009 5:16 p.m.

    sorry i meant your weapons
  • ryno - February 13, 2009 5:15 p.m.

    they should make a game starring the great mighty poo where you weapons are different types of poo that you throw
  • Stabby_Joe - January 3, 2009 1:03 a.m.

    I usually want to play as the enemy in most games.
  • stewie88 - January 1, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    Ha! It wud be some craic to play as the begger woman. Make her pay for all the times she got Altair caught by thr guards.Mu ha ha(Evil laugh)
  • loopdel00p - December 27, 2008 12:09 a.m.

    i want to play as a zombie in the new resident evil that would be sweat
  • -Spanky- - December 22, 2008 8:28 p.m.

    POO GUY... nuff said!
  • EvilInkarnate - December 22, 2008 5:09 p.m.

    The merchant from RE4 kicks ass!! My wife and I still imitate him and I haven't played the game in over a year. Good to see him on this list.
  • WeirdJamFace - December 21, 2008 4:19 p.m.

    ZOMGZ TEH POO IZ TEH BESSED!!!! (no,really)
  • KatyaSchlacter - December 20, 2008 11:48 a.m.

    the female snipers in the call of duty series(not W@W)
  • jesus-of-suburbia - December 20, 2008 6:21 a.m.

    hes not king. emporor. geez guys. get your stuff straight. im not that sweaty...
  • HungryBeaver - December 18, 2008 4 a.m.

    Ahahahaha! Great mighty poo ftw! Nice article
  • SweetNES - December 16, 2008 4:05 p.m.

    "The King"? I assume we're talking about Uriel Septim VII here. While he does entrust your character with the Amulet of Kings, Uriel Septim's actual title is Emperor, not King. http://oblivion.wikia.com/wiki/Uriel_Septim_VII
  • BioSaber - December 16, 2008 2:48 a.m.

    the better put a DLC on PS3 where you can play cyborg raiden's stroy god dam it
  • bamit11 - December 15, 2008 8:44 p.m.

    i wish to play as one person... Dr Salvador. it would be awesome to run and go cut off Leon's head. as long as he has no bonus weapons.
  • Games_Radar_DaveMeikleham - December 15, 2008 9:59 a.m.

    Brucie's back by popular demand. Well, because of one request and the fact I accidentally deleted him before I put the article up. Gotta cut back on those bull shark steroids the next time I'm writing...
  • Pencil&Eraser - December 15, 2008 5:17 a.m.

    Where the fuck is Brucie?!
  • TheWebSwinger - December 14, 2008 10:55 p.m.

    EDIT: @Godina92: "even though yur a chick"? Sexist much?
  • TheWebSwinger - December 14, 2008 10:47 p.m.

    I definitely lol'd at just the sight of Beggar Woman on this list. Brilliant.
  • Coolbeans69 - December 14, 2008 10:38 p.m.

    THE GREAT MIGHTY POO!!!!!!
  • kennyvspenny2004 - December 14, 2008 1:52 a.m.

    I would love to be the emo kid from silent hill 5

Showing 1-20 of 68 comments

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