Okay, so the descriptions in the headline might be a bit of an exaggeration. To be fair, your mileage may vary on this one. In fact the actual level of arousal you're about to experience will definitely be entirely relative to a couple of key factors. Namely how erotic you find giant
pixels, and how desperately starved of any sort of sexual contact/imagery you
might be. But mark my words, if you're a retro graphics enthusiast with a
fetish for large, chunky, almost-square women, and you've just got out of prison after several decades in solitary confinement, my god, this is going to send steam coming out of your ears.*
There? See? Utter filth, hidden away in a Kirby Game Boy game for the last 17 years. Like a dirty, stinking sex-troll secreted in the warm, dark crevices beneath an otherwise bright and innocent-looking bridge made out of marshmallows and rainbows.
How did this cuboid abstraction of female physiology make it into 1995's Kirby's Dream Land 2? No-one knows for certain, but my guess would involve the words "bored developer", "empty office", and "lunch break".
Above: Video evidence. It's even worse in motion. I probably really should have age-gated this
This shouldn't really be surprising though. I mean just look at Kirby. Just look at him. He's simply a giant boob with a face, isn't he? Or just a great big bouncing bollock, depending on the subjective filtering of your Freudian predilections. And sucking things. Always, he's sucking things. He's just one great big psycho-sexual nightmare, and if they ever make a movie out of the Dream Land series, I will accept no-one other than David Cronenberg to direct.
Oh, and it turns out that this most foul and offending of games is now out on the 3DS Virtual console. Expecting a patch in 3, 2, 1...
GamesRadar is the premiere source for everything that matters in the world of video games. Casual or core, console or handheld - whatever systems you own or whatever genres you love, GamesRadar is there to filter out what's worth your time and to help you get even more from your games. We deliver the best advice, the most in-depth features, expert reviews, and the essential guides for all the top games.