Mike Haggar’s Christmas Miracle

If you’re a fan of old-school arcade games, you’re undoubtedly familiar with Final Fight, Capcom’s heartwarming tale of wrestler-turned-mayor Mike Haggar and his quest to beat the crap out of hundreds of members of the Mad Gear gang in an attempt to rescue his kidnapped daughter, Jessica. But what would have happened if Haggar’s rescue attempt had taken place on Christmas Eve? We like to think it would have gone something like this...

’Twas the night before Christmas, and within Metro City
the Mad Gear gang kidnapped Jessica, cuz they thought she was pretty.
The mayor, Mike Haggar, was consumed by great worry.
“Those punks kidnapped my daughter!” he said in his fury.

For too long had the gang filled the city with dread;
Haggar vowed to bash open each gang member’s head.
Alongside Cody and Guy, he took to the street,
Where his enemies would feel his fists and his feet.

They marched through the slums, and made J’s bones shatter,
then Haggar backdropped Damnd with a wondrous splatter.
Masked Sodom was next; he attacked with a sword.
But a few drop-kicks later he found himself floored.

Then what did they spy near the city’s West Side?
At a gas station parked was a gang-member’s ride.
Using pipes they destroyed it, with the greatest of ease.
“Oh, my car,” sobbed the owner, as he dropped to his knees.

In a bar they were ambushed and thrown in a cage
But their foes quickly fell before our heroes’ rage.
And just to make sure Mad Gear knew who’s on top
Haggar beat the crap out of a vicious rogue cop.

To the industrial area the brave trio went,
Yet after pummeling Rolento they were all but spent.
Luck’ly they knew how to prevent their defeat;
They punched over a trash can and devoured the meat.

In the Bay more punks struck, but they could not prevail;
Haggar punched out the biggest—some jerk called Abigail.
Upon reaching Uptown they knew their goal was near
As they found themselves facing the whole of Mad Gear.

“It’s Simons! And Poison! And Axl and Dug!
There’s Roxy! And Two P! And some lowly thug!
Grab ’em,” said Haggar. “Slam ‘em into the wall!
Now smash away! Smash away! Smash away all!”

Like water on rock, the Mad Gear were knocked back.
They couldn’t withstand Haggar’s spinning attack.
Guy leapt off the fence and kicked them in the face
While Cody’s blows knocked all of their teeth out of place.

The battle would go on forever, it seemed,
But from a skyscraper above, poor Jessica screamed.
Haggar quickly pursued the ear-shattering shriek,
To find his daughter with Belgar, Mad Gear’s number-one freak.

Hee, hee, hee, Mister Haggar! Welcome to my show!
It’s me and your daughter--beneath the mistletoe!
I’ve been lonely,” mused Belgar, “but don’t be misled!
That will change once Jessica and I have been wed!”

Belgar’s eyes--they were empty, like two lumps of coal.
There’s no doubt he was evil, right down to his soul.
With one hand he held tightly to Jessica’s wrist;
In the other he clenched a crossbow in his fist.

Haggar had seen enough; he’d no longer stand by.
So he grabbed onto his foe and leapt into the sky.
There was slim chance that Belgar would be a survivor
as he felt the full force of Haggar’s piledriver.

Belgar’s body was broken; his mind was aloof.
He staggered, and stumbled, and slipped off the roof.
But Haggar heard him exclaim, as he fell out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all, Final Fight!”

Happy holidays, everyone! (And if you suddenly have an itch to experience Haggar’s backdropping, piledriving adventures first-hand, you can always download Final Fight: Double Impact on PSN or XBLA, or grab the Super NES version of Final Fight on Wii’s Virtual Console.)

Want more final fighting? Check out gaming's most satisfying uppercuts and Nintendo: Banned in the USA.