Mass Effect 3's sexy sex bits rated... X-RATED

Cursory critical analysis of just some of Mass Effect 3's romances

Mass Effect is SEX MAD. When Commander Shepard's not saving the Universe he's busy playing a sexy game of hide the genophage with one of his sexy crew-mates. It makes interstellar lothario Captain Kirk's sexy antics seem about as sexy as a rainy Sunday afternoon spent sitting in a car staring at Hinkley Point power station while sipping piss-weak tea out of a Thermos flask. I've done that and can confirm it's NOT SEXY. But Mass Effect 3 IS SEXY. It's bigger, more intense and EVEN SEXIER than the first two Mass Effects. Look, it says so on the back of the box:

Above: Mass Effect 3 is so sexy it says so on the box

But that's just the back of the box and backs of boxes aren't really that sexy. Definitely not as sexy as the sexy sex bits of Mass Effect 3. So let's crack on and take it straight to the sexy...

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SEXY SPOILERS

Man-on-man sexy

Hm. Bit of a disappointment. Its starts off promising enough when the man that isn't Shepard says "The shuttle is primed" because that could potentially mean something else completely. Something a bit sexy. But it doesn't. It means the shuttle is primed. The sad piano music is also absolutely 100% non-erotic in any way, shape or form. It's depressing. If Shepard was taking his space hamster to the vets to be humanely destroyed it would be a suitable choice. But to accompany pre-sexy preamble? No. Not sexy. Also not sexy is the post-sexy pillow-talk about war. There is nothing sexy about war. Or dead pets.

Rating: Deceased space rodent.

Woman-on-woman sexy

Sort of sexy. I guess. There's two women and a voluminous shower cubicle and one of them says "gooey interface" or something and then she's in the shower but she's still partially dressed which I don't really understand and then they're both in the shower going at each other like a couple of malfunctioning Gerry Anderson puppets and then they're in bed and they're still talking about showers (not war) and all I can think of is how shiny the water looked because it really was far too shiny for water and I'm wondering if water is shinier in space and if there's a scientific explanation or if BioWare just programmed it shiny because they thought shiny water would be sexier than non-shiny water on account of the way it glistens and then I realise I'm sitting at my desk staring vacantly into nothing trying to make sense of videogame water and suddenly nothing makes sense and I have a little inside cry to myself before deciding that the water is shiny because that's the best BioWare can do. And when it comes down to it that's all any of us can do.

Rating: Plumbing.

Man-on-alien sexy

Of the impending final battle against the Reapers, the contemplative and probably very vulnerable right now Commander Shepard asks: "How do you get ready for something like this?" It is, of course, a rhetorical question. Shepard is fully aware that with the survival of the entire galaxy resting on his shoulders there is only one way to prepare. And that's by docking his little trouser Normandy into the sexy blue alien standing in front of him. Cue nakedness, alien sex vapours and slow-motion pleasure faces. It's still about as sexy as watching two mannequins rubbing against each other, but in the context of Mass Effect this sexy sex is practically off-the-scale.

Rating: Window display.

Man-on-Chobot sexy

This is proper sexy sex. "I've got a good lead and I know how to finish... I just need the right body." That right there is some seriously sexy editorial innuendo. It would have been good if Shepard and Chobot did some more sexy editorial innuendo instead of doing snogging. Look, I wrote some stuff they could have said that would have made it more sexy:

"Grab your freelancer and let's final check my cover lines before we put this issue to bed."

Or

"If my slot editor could go over your column it would increase circulation."

Or

"Normally I only take it above-the-fold but insert your hard copy and maybe we'll make it a double-page spread."

BioWare - if you want to use any of those sexy lines in your next game, feel free but make sure I get credit. Thanks.

Rating: Advertorial.

If you want to know how to do all this sex and other sex in Mass Effect 3, consult our Mass Effect 3 romance guide.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.
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