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How to make the Best. Game. Characters. Ever

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What a cushy number being a game designer must be. You don’t need an advanced graphic design degree or be an expert on rendering or poly counts when every pleb with a modicum of imagination, a childish sense of humour and enough time on their hands to fiddle around in Photoshop for hours can literally make the best game characters ever.

Hmmmm. A modicum of imagination, a childish sense of humour and enough time on their hands to fiddle around in Photoshop for hours on end? That most definitely counts us lot in. So in the spirit of making the most absurd, yet undeniably PR -friendly characters possible – seriously any games with the following monstrosities would shift millions of copies – here’s five Frankenstein-style creations we made earlier.

The hat of hope, inspiring years of star-collecting, goomba-jumping, over-prized plumbing for years. Mario’s hat is the perfect symbol of Bob Hoskins-endorsed heroism.

Spartan 117 - or John to his 80s shouty black stereotype friends - has the perfect head for our hero. Stoic yet with that sophisticated line in mystique that makes fanboys weak in their nether regions.

If eyes are the window to the soul then Sonic’s cartoon peepers not only have that edge early 90s kids craved, they also provide the heart that only the disturbing human on hog relations of the later games could bring.

A heroic moustache should be bushy, dignified and manly. COD 4’s Captain Price is the definition of dignity and bushy manliness. And his face fur gives our hero that sophistication and gravitas for serious ass kicking credibility.

Shoulder pads are good for many things. Namely collapsing in to an impenetrable laser-proof ball of awesomeness as modelled by Samus Aran and stolen for our character.

Sure, we could have used his suggestive, skin-tight sneaking suit, but nothing says Solid Snake more than a pack of death sticks. Puffing a cig gives our boy the bad streak that drives the girls wild.

If Sora’s sword is good enough to overcome the evil of every single Disney baddie ever – that’s 9.3 times eviler than Hitler, folks – its good enough to earn a spot as our hero’s left arm.

100% beefy, moronic catchphrase spewing ass kickery and deboweling is guaranteed with Marcus Fenix’s lancer-wielding arm.

Screw shotguns, grenades and karate kicks, Leon S. Kennedy would be nothing in Resi 4 without his trusty parka. Our hero may be tough, but hypothermia is tougher. Remember kids: wrap up warm.

Epona and Link’s bottom half are the perfect combination for solemn yet speedy, carrot-fuelled commuting.


We don our steed with the shades of the don of vest-wearing, stogey-smoking clichéd cool. Duke Nukem’s sunglasses are the true zenith of awesome and the perfect way to round off this soon to be legendary figure.

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23 comments

  • jar-head - November 20, 2008 2:27 a.m.

    I'M SO GLAD that those 90's game have not been forgotten! GR is frekin Awsome, theres no better website for games than this
  • CptCHARLES - November 19, 2008 11:17 p.m.

    @crazycrazy83: This character is supposed to be a cool way to show all the different aspects that make an awesome character, if you don't like it that's too bad, lay off GR.
  • Smeggs - November 19, 2008 1:17 a.m.

    The Brumak is there to eat the suicidal driver if he survives a crash.
  • lynx987 - November 19, 2008 12:47 a.m.

    on the cutsy one theres two 4s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • zombieddeath - November 19, 2008 12:03 a.m.

    The vehiicle was the best part... And the chick...
  • CAPST3R - November 18, 2008 11:34 p.m.

    nothing from the matrix? waste of my reading time. but bravo on ivy's 'part'. they'd kick anyone's ass!
  • skyguy343 - November 18, 2008 8:43 p.m.

    that babe has the kind of face i'd put a bag over...but continue what i was doing
  • Juriasu - November 18, 2008 8:13 p.m.

    Ofcourse Ivy's boobs are in the ultimate babe...
  • Metallica - November 18, 2008 6:23 p.m.

    ahahaha! another great artcle, GR! *thumbs up*
  • marcusfenix22 - November 20, 2008 10:11 p.m.

    The ultimate hero and the ultimate vehicle are the best
  • crazycrazy83 - November 20, 2008 12:42 a.m.

    @CptCHARLES: im not attacking gr nor am i saying that i dont like their creation im just saying that the thing looks freaky with the raving rabbit eyes *shudder*
  • Sash - November 19, 2008 8:31 a.m.

    I made a thread like this on the forums a few months ago lol
  • CH3BURASHKA - November 19, 2008 7:29 a.m.

    Man, imagine making a game using all that. Getting the rights to all of those characters would be a hell in itself.
  • Laau - November 19, 2008 5:41 a.m.

    I know I'm being a bit of a sticler, but I ran the the math, and it seems that the Disney Villains are actually 9.7 times eviler than Hitler. And if you only include the villains from the Kingdom Hearts series it shoots up to 11.9! Otherwise it was a great article. You should really do more like this. Maybe "The Ultimate Sidekick"? Or "The Ultimate Weapon"?
  • Thee_MaddGod - November 19, 2008 2:58 a.m.

    I'm a little hurt by the ultimate villan....Where the hell is Pyramid Head!
  • crazycrazy83 - November 19, 2008 2:36 a.m.

    ultimate sickingly disturbing character you mean right? and btw page 4 goes 1244 instead of 1234 (im awaiting the "problem noted and corrected" from you guys)
  • Elbo444 - November 19, 2008 1:09 a.m.

    there are a lot of mistakes in that article, i like the article but it just looks like you spent no time editing or revising it
  • oryandymackie - November 18, 2008 9:26 p.m.

    Erm, GR? You refer in this article to Captain Price being "manly".BUT. You also called him camp in "Top 7 Campasinos" Or something.
  • oryandymackie - November 18, 2008 9:25 p.m.

    Erm, GR? You refer in this article to Captain Price being "manly".BUT. You also called him camp in "Top 7 Campasinos" Or something.
  • BerryMedley - November 18, 2008 9:12 p.m.

    vest fucking vehicle ... ever

Showing 1-20 of 23 comments

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