How to make the Best. Game. Characters. Ever

What a cushy number being a game designer must be. You don’t need an advanced graphic design degree or be an expert on rendering or poly counts when every pleb with a modicum of imagination, a childish sense of humour and enough time on their hands to fiddle around in Photoshop for hours can literally make the best game characters ever.

Hmmmm. A modicum of imagination, a childish sense of humour and enough time on their hands to fiddle around in Photoshop for hours on end? That most definitely counts us lot in. So in the spirit of making the most absurd, yet undeniably PR -friendly characters possible – seriously any games with the following monstrosities would shift millions of copies – here’s five Frankenstein-style creations we made earlier.

The hat of hope, inspiring years of star-collecting, goomba-jumping, over-prized plumbing for years. Mario’s hat is the perfect symbol of Bob Hoskins-endorsed heroism.

Spartan 117 - or John to his 80s shouty black stereotype friends - has the perfect head for our hero. Stoic yet with that sophisticated line in mystique that makes fanboys weak in their nether regions.

If eyes are the window to the soul then Sonic’s cartoon peepers not only have that edge early 90s kids craved, they also provide the heart that only the disturbing human on hog relations of the later games could bring.

A heroic moustache should be bushy, dignified and manly. COD 4’s Captain Price is the definition of dignity and bushy manliness. And his face fur gives our hero that sophistication and gravitas for serious ass kicking credibility.

Shoulder pads are good for many things. Namely collapsing in to an impenetrable laser-proof ball of awesomeness as modelled by Samus Aran and stolen for our character.

Sure, we could have used his suggestive, skin-tight sneaking suit, but nothing says Solid Snake more than a pack of death sticks. Puffing a cig gives our boy the bad streak that drives the girls wild.

If Sora’s sword is good enough to overcome the evil of every single Disney baddie ever – that’s 9.3 times eviler than Hitler, folks – its good enough to earn a spot as our hero’s left arm.

100% beefy, moronic catchphrase spewing ass kickery and deboweling is guaranteed with Marcus Fenix’s lancer-wielding arm.

Screw shotguns, grenades and karate kicks, Leon S. Kennedy would be nothing in Resi 4 without his trusty parka. Our hero may be tough, but hypothermia is tougher. Remember kids: wrap up warm.

Epona and Link’s bottom half are the perfect combination for solemn yet speedy, carrot-fuelled commuting.

We don our steed with the shades of the don of vest-wearing, stogey-smoking clichéd cool. Duke Nukem’s sunglasses are the true zenith of awesome and the perfect way to round off this soon to be legendary figure.

David Meikleham
Google AMP Stories Editor

David has worked for Future under many guises, including for GamesRadar+ and the Official Xbox Magazine. He is currently the Google Stories Editor for GamesRadar and PC Gamer, which sees him making daily video Stories content for both websites. David also regularly writes features, guides, and reviews for both brands too.