This past summer, your favorite chauvinists at GR wondered loudly if games were better than women. After a thoroughly scientific test, we decided that games were in fact a smidge more favorable than the fairer sex, but just slightly. As we sat atop our thrones, proud of our journalistic integrity, a lone voice from a small blog grabbed our attention. Jessica V. of PinkNINJA wanted to refute our claims. So, we gave her a soapbox. Enjoy!
Recently, the reprobates at GamesRadar paired women and games in a head to head competition that somehow deemed games the more worthy of love from men. Time to turn the tables.
Frankly speaking, games require a hell of a lot less effort than guys from a woman’s point of view. PlayStation doesn’t care if we shave our legs and/or wear makeup. Our stubble and over-sized pajamas mean nothing to our 360s. Games also give us hours of pleasure. Guys? Minutes, tops.
The big question is therefore whether guys are worth all of the beautification and effort- simply put: guys vs. games.
Most games go through countless hours of rigorous testing. There are many poor souls in the industry doing thankless quality assurance while being chained to their chairs playing terrible games non-stop. As glorified indentured servants, they’re lucky if they still have thumbprints, friends or family anymore for that matter.
Sure, the usual quirks pop up in certain multiplayer maps, which will inevitably be exploited. In time they’ll get fixed or perhaps even become a beloved feature of the game. Fragmentation can happen, but a quick re-install of the game files can make everything well and dandy again.
Grade: Reliability is a priority to any major game
Just as with games, guys naturally have flaws. Can guys clean themselves up? Doubt it. They never seem to leave the beta stage. Sometimes, for example, you need to remind ‘em that wearing their napkin as a bib at a formal dinner just isn’t appropriate. Or that hole in a popcorn bag trick - not enticing.
Grade: A permanent version 1 won’t land you in our pants.
It hasn’t yet been proven if a game has the capacity to love. The companion cube is supposed to love you, but that whore of a box loves everybody. AI hasn’t yet expanded to incorporate the emotion (Ed. I’m counting down the days), so games will always leave you feeling a little empty. Any game character that says they love you is no different than the bartender who compliments you; it’s their job - you’re not special.
Grade: They don’t mean it! It’s all an act.
Although most guys won’t act like pussies, they do have room for love… somewhere. Love for the ladies, though, doesn’t always seem to be at the top of the list. Their priorities usually look something like this:
- girls lying on cars
- girly parts
- girls draped in bacon
I hope you guys still have your pants on now that I have mentioned bacon. Good thing it only takes one hand to click a mouse.
Grade: Guys have the potential for love… somewhere.
Any game worth your scratch requires ample amounts of time to beat the campaign and complete any side missions. You don’t want to look like an asshole with the lowest Gamerscore of all of your friends, right?
Above: That’s a whole lot of GTA hours
Grade: Games want to be with you.
Merely mention commitment around a guy and you’ll wonder when they became a magician capable of pulling the disappearing act. If you like relationship poison, then by all means - go for it.
Here are a few things that guys would prefer to hearing a girl talking about commitment:
- getting a root canal
- having their junk slammed in a doorjam
Guys will “commit” to a girl as long as the relationship feels fun and new, but will jet to the nearest, cheapest hooker when shit turns permanent.