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Gaming’s most horrifying sex scenes

Whatever your opinion about sex in videogames, the simple fact is this: games won’t really be taken seriously as an art form until they can get certain things right, and one of those things is sex. It’s an essential component of film, music, books, paintings and even television, and yet gaming lags sadly behind.

Part of this is because games still haven’t quite shaken their kiddie-toys stigma, but mostly it’s because the rare games that try to get sex right almost never do. The results of their endless efforts tend to range from mildly off-putting to outright mortifying, with varying levels of ugliness and hilarity in between. Maybe someday, we’ll see an in-game love scene that doesn’t make us recoil in horror – but in the meantime, here are 13 that did.


Above: We’re just going to leave out Custer’s Revenge, because that thing is even more over-referenced than our first entry. We’re also ignoring Leisure Suit Larry entirely, because on the rare occasions those games feature actual sex, they’re not really “horrifying” so much as they are “unfunny comedy”

NOTE: While we did our best to keep the images in this article safe for work, some of the videos (naturally) aren’t. Consider yourself warned.

 

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Hot Coffee set the bar for horrendous in-game sex sequences, so we might as well start here. While not officially included as part of San Andreas, a modder found it buried in the code after release, yada yada yada. Unless you were completely ignoring videogame-related controversies five years ago, you already know about Hot Coffee and the political shitstorm its discovery ignited.


Above: The current US secretary of state was particularly alarmed by the revelation

To be fair, Hot Coffee is an unfinished minigame that was never intended for public viewing. But knowing that does nothing to diminish the raw, jaw-dropping ugliness of Carl “CJ” Johnson robotically humping his generic, thong-clad girlfriend.


 

About as sexy as:

 

Omikron: The Nomad Soul

Developer Quantic Dream has something of a knack for horrible (but optional!) sex scenes. Apparently, the studio feels compelled to include them in every game it makes, but there’s always something… wrong about them. That’s especially true in the case of its first game, Omikron, and while we’ll cover the more infamous examples in a bit, it’s best to start at the beginning.

While Omikron was a pretty slick adventure game (for 11 years ago, anyway) that featured roughly 100 percent more David Bowie than every other game, its early-3D visuals were kind of hard on the eyes. And nowhere were they harder than in the “love scene” hero Kay’l can share with his horrible, vacant-eyed bikini-elf early in the game.


 

About as sexy as:

 

Dragon Age: Origins

We’re not so naïve as to pretend that nobody else has written an article like this before, and we can’t help but notice that a few other sites have picked on Dragon Age for featuring (among other potential in-game hookups) a man-on-man-elf love scene – apparently because “eww, dudes.” To hell with that attitude. We’re not prudes, and we’re not about to declare something gross just because two guys are rubbing against each other suggestively.

No, we’re going to declare all of Dragon Age’s sex scenes gross, because that’s what they are.


Above: Yes, even this one

As you’re going to see a lot in the following entries, sex scenes in games are kind of hamstrung by the idea that showing sex AND nudity is grounds for a sales-killing AO rating. But rather than just using, say, some clever camera angles to hide nudity (like Mass Effect does), Dragon Age falls back on the baffling trope of making its characters bone in their faintly hideous medieval-fantasy underwear. Add some overdramatic singing and some arty cuts to second-base activities, and this scene is practically guaranteed to be the exact moment a parent or significant other barges into the room to see what you’re up to.


Above: We’re still singling out this one, though, just for the “Is there something in your tent that needs… assassinating?” line

About as sexy as:

 

Torrente 3: The Protector

There’s a good reason the Torrente games only made it out of Europe once: in addition to being based on a semi-obscure series of profane Spanish action-comedies, they’re fucking horrible. Imagine the worst GTA clone you’ve ever played, and then add unclear objectives, farting and masturbation minigames and an idiotic license system that restricts you to stealing mopeds in a version of Madrid where cars are everywhere. Then make it about a toadlike, fascist ex-cop who poops his pants if you don’t walk him into the bathroom to take a dump every so often.


Above: No, really

If its trailer is anything to go by, the game contains at least one sex scene involving the odious Torrente himself. As much as we’d all love to see a repugnant butterball get his rocks off, though, there’s no way in hell I’m playing through this execrable mess long enough to find and capture it on video. So instead, here’s a moment of staggering eroticism that can be discovered within the game’s first five minutes:


About as sexy as:

Next page: Hookers, dogs, robots and zombies!

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62 comments

  • MichaelCera - February 26, 2011 2:51 a.m.

    Horrifying indeed.
  • chrisda - February 26, 2011 3:07 a.m.

    Omikron scarred me
  • talkraider - February 26, 2011 3:07 a.m.

    Is it wrong that I got a boner
  • BlankBrush - February 26, 2011 3:16 a.m.

    Talkraider has the strangest boner....
  • talkraider - February 26, 2011 3:22 a.m.

    Its okay, I always have a boner
  • Samael - February 26, 2011 3:24 a.m.

    Thanks for mentioning Dragon Age. I LOVE that game, and the romances are otherwise very well done, but the "fucking through their underwear" is total bullshit. Bioware either needs to find a way to tastefully show nudity or go back to ME1 style angling.
  • Ampatent - February 26, 2011 3:29 a.m.

    Could have done without the picture of Tyler puking...
  • MexicAntista - February 26, 2011 3:40 a.m.

    Haha! Toys doing it. Brett must cringe everytime he sees that.
  • Pytor - February 26, 2011 4:13 a.m.

    That very last image is extremely disturbing :P
  • BlackElement17 - February 26, 2011 4:17 a.m.

    So in the Heavy Rain scene can you hit the wrong button and prematurely ejaculate?
  • batmanboy11 - February 26, 2011 4:18 a.m.

    Good god.
  • SenorSlaughter - February 26, 2011 4:22 a.m.

    The Venture Bro clones lol
  • inconceivable - February 26, 2011 4:40 a.m.

    Dear god, the Seaman one is actually going to give me nightmares. WHY DID I WATCH IT?!
  • IceBlueKirby - February 26, 2011 4:47 a.m.

    I remember being horrified when I talked to Fisto later in the Atomic Wrangler itself, and the only dialog option was to take on his services. I frantically mashed the B button trying to get away, but I finally had to just accept it. Luckily the next set of options lets you say nevermind...but it was awful thinking that my character was going to get physically assaulted by a robot just because I talked to him.
  • CoryM1134 - February 26, 2011 4:49 a.m.

    I bought Seaman when it came out. I was ecstatic when my Seamen (pun unavoidable) decided to mate, but HORRIFIED when one of them upended and floated to the top. It talked to me, for Christ's sake!
  • quincytheodore - February 26, 2011 5:06 a.m.

    Dude, this is messed up.. Seriously man.. -1 respect point
  • Trg564 - February 26, 2011 5:22 a.m.

    "Sorry, you may not access this video." For this article, that's probably a good thing
  • FauxFurry - February 26, 2011 6:18 a.m.

    The only way that the GTA 4 clip could have been more perfect(ly horrendous), with that particular track playing on the radio while Nico dry-humps a prostitute, making it seem like the most epic 5-10 second thrill-ride of all time, is if he ran her down afterward then fled from the police and finally crashed right into a tree at the end of the merry little chase so hard that he is launched out through the windshield and practically right through the tree. Nothing went into or came out of any thing hence he didn't get his money's worth. What, was he supposed to report her to the Better Business Bureau?! The BMX XXX one was just a shameful missed opportunity. In a sub-genre of sports games where the subject of the game is the most important, influential thing in the world, they could have had the player turn tricks for the pimp by actually performing bike tricks for customers but in one instant, one of the tricks are so awesome that someone is impregnated merely by watching it so it's up the player character to choose whether the child lives or dies with the next magick bike trick he performs. That's only right and natural, is it not? You completely overlooked PlayStation Home 'sex'. Yes, it's just people doing the Running Man up against other avatars while someone moans sexually suggestive lines through his headset or avatars kneeling in front of one another while they nod their heads,but that doesn't make it any less horrifying(ly hilarious)!
  • g4m3rk1dd - February 26, 2011 6:31 a.m.

    i demand that the silent hill 2 sex scene be bumped up to number one. not only is pyramid head the scariest god awful bastard in gaming but he was raping TWO monsters...TWO not one... as i said i demand a recount of the votes taken...this is worse than when bush stole HIS election...
  • SirCheesedip - February 26, 2011 6:38 a.m.

    O_____o What did I just read and see?!

Showing 1-20 of 62 comments

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