Bloodthirsty bank robbers, two Predators and courtesy of Aliens and Michael Cera, a lot of unwanted pregnancies highlight this week’s high-def releases. Let’s get it on! Clicky the picys for Amazon links.
Predator | 1987
"If it bleeds, we can kill it."
Before the Predator was battling Aliens and forging human alliances he was hunting men for sport, while valiantly fending off two body-sculpting, future governors, Jesse “The Vertebrate” Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger (Umm. Did anyone seeIdiocracy? Just sayin.)
Above: "Hold still, Sweety! You've got an eyelash."
Gamers: Think of the Predator as the ultimate ‘80’s Achievement Whore, only instead of Gamerscore he accumulates the severed heads of innocent species. Seriously kids, this is a splendid chunk of man film. And since it was directed by the same dude who assaulted our collective faces with the likes of Die Hard and The Hunt for Red October, know that you’re in for a cinematic experience guaranteed to increase your sperm count.
Did you know: Jean Claude Van Damme was originally hired to play the Predator? And possibly, do splits! As the Predator!
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem | 2007
“F*** this Titanic bullshit, no women and children first!”
Since the Predator is technically an alien, aren’t these titles akin to calling the Kill Bill volumes The Bride vs Humans? Anyway, Fox continues to abuse the finest in its stable of beasties by, once again, putting the Predators in the role of the conspiratorial bus boys of the universe. Following the events of the first film, an Alien has impregnated a Predator to create the haphazardly titled “Predalien” and the be-dreaded hunters have tocover it all up even if it means skinning a few humans along the way.
Above: “Please, call me Preda.”
The sequel delivers on the promise of the first movie: “Whoever wins, we lose.” If by “we” they meant the audience then they’re dead on the money, as AVPR managed to score even more abysmal reviews than the original (15% on Rotten Tomatoes.) Honestly, I haven’t seen it yet, but for damned good reason. First, the original bored me and my friends to tears, a feat no one could’ve imagined ten years ago. Second, I just saw Aliensat amidnight showing on thebig screen, and that was more than enough to tide me over until an eventual Blu-ray release. (Dear Fox and Sony: PLEEEASE?)
Bonnie and Clyde | 1967
“This here's Miss Bonnie Parker. I'm Clyde Barrow. We rob banks.”
HD DVD continues to die a most classy death, withone if its final releases trickling out from the very studio that effectively killed it (Warner Bros. by going Blu-ray all the way, 'member?) This modernmythology may be loston future generations, but these were the Mickey and Mallory of the early twentieth century.
Above: Action Beatty!
Yeah, it was made 40 years ago, but this film about the infamously infatuated bank robbers was highly criticized, at the time, for unprecedented levels of gore and comic violence. And that's always a good thing. Worth a look, especially since youfolks picking the bones of a decaying format are well aware this edition will soon be heading to a bargain bin near you.
Juno | 2007
“I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?”
Finally, teenage pregnancy mined for comedy gold. The tale of a surrogate youngster will teach you laugh, love, and that the dumpster isn't the only option for unwanted babies comeprom season. The Academyswooned for Juno, to the point of bestowing it an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay Written by a Former Stripper, even if manyin the GR office found the hipper-than-thou dialogue - such as “Honest to blog?” and “I'm forshizz up the spout,” - grating and unrealistic.
Above: "I can feel my social life ending."
But it’s a movie! And an undeniably funny one at that. If you want realistic dialogue from a knocked-up teenage imbecile, I’m sure MTV and TLC have you covered. Besides, any movie with a cast that includes Dwight Schrute, J. Jonah Jameson, and two Arrested Development alumni should supersede any fear of disappointment. Spoiler: Juno dies in child birth.
Apr 15, 2008