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9 video game objects that would make better Christmas presents than the crap you'll actually get

Come on, we all know what your Christmas haul will look like. You've asked for Batman: Arkham City on 360 but you'll get LEGO Batman for Wii. You've asked for a Superdry hoodie but you'll get a jumper from M&S. You've asked for rare Deadpool graphic novels from eBay but you'll get Where's Wally/Waldo instead. Which is a shame, clearly. It's at this point we start to wonder what Christmas would be like if we could give and receive items from the world of videogames... items like these:

Gravity Gun

As seen in: Half-Life 2

Dad will be thrilled when he unwraps this little beauty, which will simultaneously solve his DIY and home defence problems. Just be careful he doesn't accidentally blast the Christmas turkey through the dining room wall.

Above: Comes in its own carry case too, to keep dust out of its gravity... making... stuff

Power Pill

As seen in: Pac-Man DX

This is a perfect gift for whoever does the weekly trip to the supermarket. Massive queues at the checkout won't be a problem with these little beauties – just chow down, walk forward and send every single shopper back to the centre isle. By the time they've realised they're looking at creams for bum-related ailments and started back for the till, your shopping will be scanned, paid for and Pac'd.

Power sneakers

As seen in: Sonic Generations

One size fits all! This rather spanking example of '90s retro footwear can turn any wearer into an Olympic athlete. Just put them on and you'll get a full 10 seconds of double-speed running ability, which is easily enough to run the 100m sprint. For extra kicks, 'wrap' the present by hiding it inside an old computer monitor and tell the recipient they have to open it by jumping on said monitor until it breaks.

Golden shovel

As seen in: Animal Crossing: Wild World

For the gardener in your family, or just the poorest sap you know, why not give the shovel-shaped joy of financial solvency? This golden shovel is worth a pretty penny in its own right. But there's more! Plant coins in the ground with it and there's a 1/100 chance that it will blossom and grow into a money tree. Note: This may only count as legal tender if you use bells as currency. For the other 99.99% of economic systems… well, at least it's shiny.

Above: A golden shovel is actually worth more than its weight in gold, which can't be insubstantial in itself

A pack of ordinary paintbrushes

As seen in: The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

These Oblivion-branded art creation tools will bring out the creative side of anyone, gamer or otherwise. A gift that keeps on giving. But they also have a curious physical property – they 're not affected by gravity or indeed any external force once you let go of them. So vertically-challenged family members can use them as portable steps, tenants can put up shelves without annoying their landlords, and incarcerated family members… Well, let's just say those pesky razor-wire-topped walls aren't going to be a problem any more.

Above: If we could have any of these gifts for real, this would surely be it

Portal Gun

As seen in: Portal 2

Ever wished you could spend a little more time with your loved ones before they go to school/work/the moon? Well, with this portable portal gun, they can now literally step through the bedroom wall and arrive at their desk. Best place the portal inside a cupboard or something. With a lock. Otherwise the mad janitor from the office can get into your bedroom at any point during the night. Which brings us onto our next gift suggestion…

Broken radio

As seen in: Silent Hill

You might think that a working radio would actually be a better gift, but you'd be wrong. Give this to a suitably vulnerable person who does a lot of walking alone through dark alleyways and you could save their life. The radio will emit static whenever a threatening presence draws near, allowing the recipient ample time to choose an alternative route. Simple, lightweight and practical.

Necklace of water-breathing

As seen in: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

For the lady in your life, why not give her this attractive necklace, charmed with a delicate enchantment of water-breathing, to allow her to breathe underwater indefinitely. Perfect for those moments where she doesn't want to hear the kids screaming, now she can lie in the bath, completely submerged for hours, forgetting about all her worldly woes. She'll also thank you if the ice caps melt.

An extra life

As seen in: Pretty much any game pre-1995

Above: Dulu do do do DO!

What gift could be better than the gift of life? Can also be given to an MMO fan to make up for their existing one.

Topics

christmas

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19 comments

  • RandomIdoit - December 20, 2011 9:01 p.m.

    an extra life? Sweet! now I can play twice as many video games...er, I mean play video games and focus on my education...right, the second thing.
  • CitizenWolfie - December 15, 2011 10 a.m.

    When I was little and first played Super Mario World, I used to think the 1-up jingle sounded like "love you underneath." Still do think that to be honest... If Santa is reading this comment, I'd like the Golden Gauntlets from Zelda. But failing that the Triforce of Power. Please? My in-game characters have all been good boys this year.
  • CitizenWolfie - December 15, 2011 10:01 a.m.

    Ooooh! And a working Pip-boy 3000. Thanks Santa.
  • IceBlueKirby - December 13, 2011 10:28 p.m.

    This entire article was hilarious, but, perhaps due to nostalgia (what else) this part was my favorite: "For extra kicks, 'wrap' the present by hiding it inside an old computer monitor and tell the recipient they have to open it by jumping on said monitor until it breaks." Awesome. ^_^
  • talleyXIV - December 13, 2011 1:11 p.m.

    I would literally sell my soul for the portal gun.
  • heyitsmarcus - December 13, 2011 1:09 p.m.

    Cracked.com and gamesradar are the same site. I start on one and end up on the other, not realizing the sites have changed..ha..damn proud.. Waterbreathing necklace is the awesome for the ladies in real life.
  • spfeif01 - December 13, 2011 12:32 p.m.

    Well as far as the Gravity gun goes Volpin (the guy who made the Portal gun a few years ago) just finished the Gravity gun and it is magnificent. http://volpinprops.blogspot.com/
  • onetimebuster - December 13, 2011 11:50 a.m.

    Resident evil first aid spary would be great.
  • wingsdjy - December 13, 2011 12:11 p.m.

    I'd prefer some RE herbs if you catch my drift
  • Sjoeki - December 13, 2011 11:18 a.m.

    Dear Santa, I would really like a Metal Gear Mark II/III this christmas.
  • rabidpotatochip - December 13, 2011 11:15 a.m.

    Forget shelves, I'd use those paintbrushes to build the most awesome floating staircase ever.
  • eliguy83 - December 13, 2011 10:32 a.m.

    But I could have sworn that portals only open on surfaces painted with ground-up moon rocks. That kind of limits the usefulness of a portal gun then, no?
  • Ninja-KiLLR - December 13, 2011 9:53 a.m.

    having 100% gravity free paint brushes would be awesome.
  • jackthemenace - December 13, 2011 9:33 a.m.

    HA! Yes. And it's really weird, because the last few days, I HAVE been scouring eBay for awesome DeadPool stuff. Which I sure as hell am not going to get.
  • comaqi - December 13, 2011 8:57 a.m.

    Love the article!
  • ZhugeLiang - December 13, 2011 8:39 a.m.

    ZING!
  • g4m3rk1dd - December 13, 2011 8:03 a.m.

    ok so...i really want to do that sonic power shoe idea...
  • db1331 - December 13, 2011 7:57 a.m.

    "What gift could be better than the gift of life? Can also be given to an MMO fan to make up for their existing one." You totally whiffed on the chance to make a "Second EXTRA Life" joke there.
  • comaqi - December 13, 2011 10:25 p.m.

    But that wouldn't be funny.

Showing 1-19 of 19 comments

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