Some games need sex to get their message across. After all, what would Leisure Suit Larry be without its sperm rhythm action games or the bits where you have to get into the undergarments of college students? Some titles, though, just stick in some irrational intercourse for the hell of it.
Whether its taking time out on a bloody quest for vengeance to get saucy with a god or shagging an alien sidekick because he’s been romantic enough to buy a cheap bottle of hooch, all the games inside seemingly thought they’d benefit from a bit of shoehorned sexy time.
Warning: The following videos obviously all contain scenes showing intimate, sweaty acts. If you're not old enough to view them you should promptly navigate away from this page.
Turns out, no one in ancient Greece could afford enough clothing to cover their shame (i.e. their mythological lady bumps). Well, that’s if God of War’s take on history is anything to go by. Not only do most of the wenches Kratos encounters flash him at every turn, they’re also happy to drop their loincloths at a moment’s notice so our baldy murderer can earn a few extra orbs via sex mini games.
After his sexual escapades in God of War and its sequel, the Ghost of Sparta is such an able performer in the sack he’s able to perform the horizontal mumbo with Aphrodite (aka the friggin’ goddess of love) in the third game. And what does all this add to Kratos' tale of brutal revenge and paternal murder you ask? Eh, well it could be argued... aww screw it. Here’s some Sackboy-censored boobs for you to look at…
Sheesh, we get it already, Hana. You’re a sex-obsessed mercenary for hire who thinks the solution to all of life’s problems is to unzip your slinky cocktail dress. C’mon, though, do you really have to take your bloody clothes off every time the going gets tough? On the other hand, Hana and her lover do make a good point...
Sorry, were we saying something? Ah, that’s right, Fear Effect 2’s got loads of needlessly sexy bits. If it’s not the heroes being imprisoned in traps that act like giant sex machines or indulging in a bit of softcore in an elevator, well it’s basically irrelevant. Honestly can anyone remember anything about Retro Helix other than the picture below?
Above: You totally respect me for my personality, right?
Here’s a few things that should appear on any aspiring dictator’s to do list. 1) Wipe out all strands of democracy 2) Enslave every man, woman and child within 2000 miles 3) Have a really evil foursome whenever the hell you want.
And here we were thinking our overlord should have been planning complex military strategies to conquer nearby towns and vanquishing his enemies. Clearly, all it takes to rule a kingdom is to send out a bunch of things that look like Gremlin rejects to do your bidding while you get your sexy on with your mistresses. It’s hard to argue Overlord II’s sex references haven’t just been thrown in as a bit of last minute titillation. Mind you, when one of the game’s missions revolves around clubbing baby seals to death, we probably shouldn’t be surprised.
Above: Man, mass-murdering dictators really have it hard
Seeing as we wrote a whole guide on how to bump uglies with almost every member of Shepard's crew, we figured this deserved a place on here. But words are such clumsy creatures, so we’ll let pictures fully convey the horror of Mass Effect 2’s optional, completely unnecessary interspecies relations…
Above: Pal, you’re not the only one
Above: Ooh, romantic
Above: Pah, that’s the oldest line in the book. She’ll never fall for that…
Above: Then again, what do we know?
But lets forget all that extra martial ET unpleasantness that feels completely tacked onto the game's plot. Now, did someone say “getting a borderline striptease from a subordinate”?
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