Today is St George’s day. For whatever reason the Irish lucked out and St Patrick became the patron saint of foam hats and schoolnight boozing.
But the English get valiant Georgie: tough on dragons, tough on the causes of dragons. This got us thinking – if George could have any sword, from any film ever, which one would he choose? We created the ultimate movie sword face-off to find out. Seconds out…
Round one
The Bride’s Hanzo Hattori vs Maximus’ gladius
The fight : Sleek, magisterially-crafted samurai steel versus short, thick Roman whacker. This one’s hardly a contest.
Winner! The Bride’s Hanzo Hattori
Anduril vs the sword of Perseus
The fight: The ancient sword Narsil, forged by master dwarf blacksmith Telchar of Nogrod in the First Age, reforged by the Elves at Rivendell and renamed Anduril by its master, Aragorn, up against whatever came to Aphrodite’s hand when Persues needed a chopper.
Winner! Anduril[page-break]
Luke’s lightsaber vs The Wallace claymore
The fight : Some last minute regulation-checking confirms lightsabers are eligible for the contest, at which point even the giant two-handed claymore knows its time is short. VOOM.
Winner! Luke’s lightsaber
Inigo Montoya’s rapier vs Connor MaCleod’s katana
The fight : The jewelled rapier made by Montoya’s father at the behest of the six-fingered man, in a close match against the Highlander’s ancient folded steel. In the end, the extra speed of the rapier counts.
Winner! Inigo Montoya’s rapier[page-break]
He-Man’s Sword of Power vs Darth Maul’s double-ended lightsaber
The fight : Looks like a horrible mismatch. He-Man’s power sword, which knocked out Lion-O’s Sword of Omens in the qualifiers, looks finished against the Sith’s snazzy two-hander. Which just goes to show, you should never discount the classics.
Winner! He-Man’s Sword of Power
Conan’s Atlantean sword vs Jack Sparrow’s cutlass
The fight : The barbarian’s whopper nicked from the throne of a long-dead king is way too strong for Jack’s probably stolen rum-stinking sticker.
Winner! Conan’s Atlantean sword[page-break]
Zorro’s cutlass vs Sting
The fight: Long odds on the folk hero’s famously swift and alphabetic sword versus Frodo’s orc-sensing magical blade, but Sting looks complacent in the warm-up and never finds his best form.
Winner! Zorro’s cutlass
Captain Blood’s rapier vs Excalibur
The fight : Stagey old pirate prop against the most powerful conventional blade that ever (probably never really) existed. Small crowd for this foregone conclusion.
Winner! Excalibur[page-break]
Round 2
The Bride’s Hanzo Hattori vs Anduril
The fight : Tense early exchanges give the impression we could be in for a long one, but the Hattori tires fast and Aragorn’s legendary weapon cracks it into teeny bits.
Winner! Anduril
Luke’s Lightsaber vs Inigo Montoya’s rapier
The fight : Montoya’s crowd favourite takes a hit early on and it looks like the game is up. But then it gets up and keeps on going – again and again until, finally, just when no-one was expecting it, it’s melted into a pool of iron and rubies. Come on , this is a lightsaber, people.
Winner! Luke’s Lightsaber [page-break]
He-Man’s Sword of Power vs Conan’s Atlantean sword
The fight: Eyeball to eyeball before the bell – He-Man was originally created as a spin-off toy for the Conan series before a licensing snafu, and the big Barbarian isn’t about to let him forget it. Incredibly, the unfancied cartoon underdog battles through regardless.
Winner! He-Man’s Sword of Power
Zorro’s cutlass vs Excalibur
The fight : Another easy round for the former sword in the stone, who showboats and waves to the crowd on the route to a simple victory.
Winner! Excalibur [page-break]
Semi-finals
Anduril vs Luke’s Lightsaber
The fight: Serious business now. Anduril has the early advantage – it actually looks like the lightsaber is getting smaller and smaller, but it turns out to be just a trick of the photography and in the end Luke’s electro-blade smashes Anduril into the shards from which it was made.
Winner! Luke’s lightsaber[page-break]
He-Man’s Sword of Power vs Excalibur
The fight: The permanent underdog Sword of Power gets the crowd going early doors, but through the hopeful cheering there is again a sense of inevitability to the match-up.
Winner! Excalibur[page-break]
The Final
Luke’s lightsaber vs Excalibur
The fight: The lightsaber keeps the crowd waiting in the dressing room – it just can’t decide whether to wear the blue or the green – and when it finally emerges the impatient Excalibur attacks furiously. All to no avail, though – as Obi Wan in the commentary box keeps reminding everyone, this is a deadly space sword from another galaxy.
Winner! Luke’s lightsaber.
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