How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

No matter how skilled you are at slinking around in the night, you’ll eventually have to fight, and when push comes to flesh eating, you can’t take chances. Listen, you’ve got zombies, zombies coming at you. Just start shooting, seriously. You can find more ammo. If by some bizarre circumstance you run out of ammo, pick up something and start bashing. Go for the heads, but if that’s too hard, just go crazy until they’re pretty much just clouds of undead vapor (try not to inhale any of it). Here are a few vital tips to keep in mind:

Stick together – You ever seen a movie or game in which someone doesn’t die immediately after the team is split up?


Avoid irony – Make a remark which has the potential for irony, and you’re almost certainly going to be the horde’s next victim. Especially avoid sarcasm. Some examples are:

•“Yeah, right, the undead? I don’t believe in any of that Voodoo nonsen-aaaaaaghhhh!”
•“Everyone okay? Good… I think we got them all, and we’re all still aliiiiiiiiigghhhhhhhhhhh!”
•“What is this, some kind of joke? I suppose you’re all making that face so that I think there’s a zombie behind me right now, huh? Yeah, and he’s gonna take a big bite out of my heeeaaaaaaaarrrrghhhh!”

Look for crates – Crates almost always contain something good. If you don’t see any crates around, look in cabinets – you’d be surprised how many homeowners keep hunting rifles and combat shotguns in their armoires.

Close doors – If you’ve played Left 4 Dead recently, you should know that zombies can’t open doors. It’s not so much that they lack the cognitive power to understand latch and hinge mechanisms - even dogs can figure that out - it’s just that they tend to favor more dramatic entries. In fact, as a general rule, if it would be scarier, or look cooler, that’s what a zombie will do. Busting through a door with brute force is much more impressive than opening it and casually strolling in, but since zombies aren’t particularly strong, it can take them several hours to knock down a single door.

Distract them with light – Zombies are attracted to any source of light, which is why you should turn off your flashlight when you think they’re near (night vision goggles help) and carry several flares on you to use as decoys. Tip: Tape an LED keychain light to your buddy’s back for a great practical joke!

Don’t let them get too close – Most zombies can’t run, which is mostly because they’re dead. Given this, you should be able to keep the horde from getting too close. If you have any aiming ability (and I assume you’ve played enough videogames that you do, because we all know they train kids to shoot like pros), keep the undead at a safe distance and pick them off with a rifle. If not, you may have to get closer and use a shotgun. Either way, don’t let yourself get surrounded. If you are surrounded, there’s a 74% chance that someone will drop a rope from a helicopter and pull you to safety as the horde’s outstretched arms futilely grope at your legs – but those odds aren’t good enough to risk it.

Above: MOST zombies can’t run