About time, too...
FIFA 16 has taken a brilliant step by adding 12 international women's teams into the mix. Its a move that aligns FIFA games closer to what modern football is, rather than the corporate box-ticking the game can sometimes be. Unfortunately, theres still a long way to go before FIFA-the-game is an accurate representation of what football really is and not what the laughable Bond-esque villains who ru(i)n the game want to paint it as.
Sideline the premiership fluff and give us Sunday league pub teams
Football might be called the beautiful game, but really its built on the hungover sweat of teams like The Red Lion Rovers and The Cross Hand Geezers. These teams have one genuinely good player and ten others who want him to pass to them. So, lets bin all the idolisation of current superstars. No more fawning over how good a job they did capturing the soulless abyss behind the eyes of pixel imposters.
Atmosphere that is deathly silent unless goals are scored
Get any game of FIFA going and the first thing youll hear is Jim Stelling blabbering on about the match. But then youll hear the roar of thousands as they cheer your gang on, every second of the game, never relenting in their vocal appreciation of whats unfurling. Even in the most turgid of 0-0s, especially when youre accidentally napping between tackles. If only it were anywhere near the truth.
Reading tedious Twitter jokes about your team whenever you concede a goal
The Twitter population is so incredibly funny, with its lame jokes and hurried photoshops that really hammer home the fact that your team is getting scored on more times than your mum. I mean, technically that may be true (so where's the insult, really?) but it's an element of the game that FIFA the video game really hasn't included. It's in the game so why isn't it in the game?
Constant poor refereeing, because how was that a foul you *&!*!
Despite the fact the world has landlords, traffic wardens and taxmen, Im yet to see a more hated profession than professional referees. These men and women are only trying to ensure a game of football doesnt devolve into a colour-coordinated brawl, yet theyre always wrong (except when the decision goes the way the fans want) and everyone hates them. However, in the FIFA games, theyre robo-eyed demigods, capable of sensing a minor infraction even when its physically impossible for them to see it.
Giving the classic act of diving the respect it deserves
Diving is either a frowned upon evil or the figurative Liquid Snake of football depending on whether you support the team who are doing it. Its a part of the game that will never truly go away, because then pundits might actually have to talk about whats actually going on in a match. Whats surprising is that FIFA has never got out its moustache wax, given its upper-lip hair a good twirl and put a dedicated dive button in the game.
Half-time Pie Queuing Minigame.
The greatest things football has given the population in ascending order: The genius of Lionel Messi; Goodison Park; the half-time pie. Overpriced and understocked, perfect in all weathers and the principal reason why people will wander off before the half-time whistle has even been blown. Yet, year after year, FIFA cruelly ignores the lukewarm joys of sinking Suarez like gnashers into a half-time pie.
More swearing than a Call of Duty round scripted by Tarantino
So why hasnt FIFA given us a taste of footballs universal language? Im not asking for commentators to swap their vocabulary with Ray Winstone, but the sanitized player reactions clearly need the occasional swear to really sell the idea that the game is bigger than life and death.
Fleecing you out of money every chance it gets
If you follow a football team, you and your wallet are acutely aware of just costly supporting them can be. Maybe you get this seasons kit and a ticket to one of their games. Then you realise that means no more food for the month. And if you want to go for an away trip? Well get ready for some non-essential organ harvesting...
