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50 Funniest Woody Allen Quotes

In The Red

The Quote: "If my films don’t show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."

Words Of Wisdom?
Way to turn a negative into a positive, little man. We could all learn a thing or two from this.

Tense Exchanges

The Film: A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy (1982)

The Quote: "Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."

Words Of Wisdom? Too right. Now if we could just find a way to have loveless sex...


The Quote: "It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Words Of Wisdom?
We agree. We don’t want to be there when Woody Allen dies, either.

Palin Comparison

The Quote: "Sarah Palin is a colourful spice in the general recipe of democracy. She's a sexy woman. Yes. Me and Sarah - we could do a romance."

Words Of Wisdom?
Absolutely not – she’d eat every one of us alive and still have room for dessert.

Wish You Werent Here

The Film: Radio Days (1987)

The Quote: "What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people."

Words Of Wisdom? We can say without a shadow of a doubt that regular London commuters repeat this to themselves hundreds of times a week while crammed into a sweaty, stale-aired carriage with an elbow in their groin.

Mulah, Wonga, Green

The Quote: "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Words Of Wisdom? So simple. So elegant. So true.


The Film: Hannah & Her Sisters (1986)

The Quote:
"I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials."

Words Of Wisdom? Cynical to the max, but a great one to use after a crummy evening out.

Teachers Pet

The Film: Annie Hall (1977)

The Quote: "Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t tech, teach Gym."

Words Of Wisdom? We hate to say it…

Saturday Night Fever

The Quote: "I'm a practicing heterosexual, although bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Words Of Wisdom? We’re up for it if you are.

The Greatest Form Of Flattery

The Film: Husbands And Wives (1992)

The Quote: "Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television."

Words Of Wisdom?
It’s true! How many times have you overheard an argument in the street that sounds like it came straight out of EastEnders ?